Q: Do Beta Bites get too old to feed to your beta?

A: Real Beta Bites are loaded with chemicals. They last forever.

Now, I'm not a detective (legally) but I have noticed a few clues that make me suspect that your so-called "Beta Bites" are not, in fact, real Beta Bites

Clue Number One: The bottle. Real Beta Bites come in a factory-sealed, and more importantly, factory-made bottle, with a factory-made label. Your "Beta Bites" come in an old Advil bottle with the words "Bayta" and Bitez"  scrawled on the side in crayon.

Clue Number Two: The food. Real Beta Bites contain tiny flakes of fish food. Your "Beta Bites" contain large chunks of flesh, flesh that looks suspiciously like thumbs, suspiciously like the thumbs of your missing neighbor.

Clue Number Three: The fish. When Fighting Fish eat Beta Bites, they grow and thrive and live a long time. Your Fighting Fish died. I can only assume - again, not a detective (legally) - that they choked to death on chunks of thumb.

Clue Number Four: The water. Real Beta Bites cloud the water. The water in your aquarium is so clear, I can see everything  - from the sunken castle to the coral to the severed head of your missing neighbor resting on the bottom of the tank.

Clue Number Five: The gun in your hand. You have to ask yourself, "Would a man in possession of real Beta Bites need to pull a gun on a pet store owner/ amateur detective to prove the validity of said Beta Bites?" Probably not.

Clue Number Six: The bullet lodged in my spleen. I hate to jump to conclusions, but pulling the trigger and shooting me does make you seem like you have something to hide.

Clue Number Seven: When you shot me, you said "Those Beta Bites aren't real, sucker!" Pretty damning.

Clue Number Eight: I need to sit down.

Clue Number Ni...