Q: How do you activate your DVD on your hp computer?

A: I never thought you'd ask that. Son, there's something you should know. There's a reason you can't play your DVD on your computer, a simple, valid, totally understandable reason, a reason I will tell you right now. Look into the camera while I tell you. Right here, look right here. Are you ready?

You don't have a computer. You have a cardboard box with lines drawn on it. Your keyboard is nothing but an old log covered with Alph-Bits. That image on your monitor is from an issue of Wired I found in the garbage.All those beeps and flashing lights? I made those sounds. I flipped the light switch whenever you used the computer.You don't really have a computer. You have a box. A cardboard box.

When we gave you your box, we thought you'd be really sad, maybe cry, lash out, freak out, something, do something,anything, and we'd get it all on tape and be a shoo-in to win the grand prize on America's Funniest Home Videos. But you didn't freak out or cry or anything like that. You seemed happy. You seemed to think that you had a computer. We assumed you'd eventually discover that you didn't have a computer, that you'd try to play a game or a friend would tell you or you'd notice that the image on the monitor never changed, something, anything that would make you cry or freak out or make a scene, a scene worthy of $10,000 and a trip to Hollywood. We were sure it was bound to happen, could happen at any moment. So we kept rolling and kept rolling and kept rolling. For seven years.

You know what we have for our trouble? The world's most boring documentary about the world's dumbest kid. With the world's saddest father.

But at least we have an ending.

If you could cry or something, that would really help me out. We won't win that $10,000, but we might end up on Tosh.0. I'd like my life to mean something.