Q: What are the five etiquette rules regarding email?

A: 1.) When consoling a friend on the untimely death of his wife or child, never begin the message with the word "Congratulations!"

2.) Emails should not be written in all caps, unless you have important news, such as the presence of cake in the conference room.

3.) If the title of your message promises a way to add three inches to someone's penis, the body of the message better deliver.

4.) Angry, vindictive emails written moments after a break up and sent to everyone in your address book are always encouraged. People want to know the real you. Please include photos when applicable.

5.) If your email includes a forwarded picture of a naked woman, please include a warning in your subject line. Either the standard NSFW (Not Safe For Work) or the more descriptive TOAS! (Tits Of A Stranger!)