Q: Do Jehovah's Witnesses baptize children?

A: No, but we do, on occasion, bathe them. We like to make sure that the children we  indoctrinate into our religion are, in fact, children, and not old Cabbage Patch Dolls covered in soot and passed off as overly shy babies.

Fool us forty-three times, shame on you. Fool us forty-four times, shame on us.

Q: What colour of eggs do peacocks lay?

A: Peacocks don't lay eggs. Peacocks are male.

I don't know what you have in that basket, but, I can assure you, they are not peacock eggs. We won't be enjoying a peacock egg omelet on our little picnic.

How could you even afford those eggs? Where did you get money?

Oh, no.

Honey, didn't you learn anything when you got those beans?

Q: What object that is red Rhymes with fire?

A: My friend Eric.

Because, you see, he is a liar.

And he's red. On account of the paint.

Oh, I'm sorry, Eric, does the red paint sting your eyes?

That sting you feel right now? That's the same sting I feel when every time you lie to me.

The next time I want to spend my entire paycheck on donuts, don't tell me that donuts have been outlawed. You know I don't read the papers! If you are worried about my diabetes, talk to me like a man, so I can ignore you and eat donuts. Don't play on my apathy toward current events.

I have a lot more paint. Cans of it. Because paint is cheap, and I have lots of money. At least until I get to Krispy Kreme.

Q: How do you deal with staff who display a lack of commitment?

A: Years ago, I faced a similar problem. My staff lacked commitment, numbers took a dive, my business stood on the verge of extinction.  I came up with a plan, a motivational tool: a sales contest. A one month long sales contest.

First prize would be a Cadilac El Dorado. Second prize, a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.

The contest proved to be a spectacular failure. It motivated no one. In fact, most of them turned against me. There was a robbery, prosecution, convictions- I don't want to bore you with all the details, but it was all rather messy.

I learned a valuable lesson holding that sales conest: Never hold a sales contest.

Now, I get my employees to commit a simpler way: with the direct threat of violence. I carry a gun and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a very good shot. You'd be amazed how much a simple grazing will motivate an employee. I have never had a more committed  staff. They show up early. They leave late. They surpass their quotas month after month. They are simply amazing.

I sure hope this recession lasts forever. I don't know what I'd do if they thought they could quit. I'd probably have to shoot one or two in the leg, to discourage them from leaving. I hope it never comes to that. People tend to scream when shot in the leg. I like to run a quiet office, so my staff can hear me cock the hammer.

Q: How do robins pick a spot to put a nest?

A: Wherever Batman tells me. He's the boss, after all, and I serve, and live, at his pleasure, as he constantly reminds me. For a while there, my "nest" as you call it, was a bed, a king sized bed, with silk sheets and soft, fluffy pillows, located in one of the nicer rooms in Wayne Manor. That was a good time. Batman was nicer then, drinking less, he laughed sometimes. Once, I caught him watching an old episode of Mama's Family. He noticed me, and changed the channel to something more suitable, a news program, a show about finance, something more fitting his stature. But I knew, and I understood. That cape and cowl weigh heavy on head. Even Batman needs a break every now and then. 

Those breaks are less frequent now.

As you might have noticed, I no longer sleep in the house, nor the back yard, nor that wonderful fort Batman built in that old tree, but here, in the cave, The Bat Cave, high on a wet rock, vermin my only friend. Batman doesn't have a lot of free time these days, which means that I don't have a lot of free time. Always on call, always ready to fight. He's more popular than ever, in print, on screen, everywhere. He hasn't slept in weeks. He's losing his grip. The other day he nearly beat the Calendar Man to death, not for any wrongdoing, but for a typo in one of his taunting notes. The Batman expects perfection from everyone, even his foes. You can imagine what he expects from me.

But, as I said, I understand. 

So I don't put up much of a fight when he asks me to sleep in the yard, or the cave, or tells me to make my nest in the center of City Hall, to keep an eye on corruption. I do whatever he tells me. All in all, as exhausting and unstable a life I lead, it still beats not being Robin. Before, when I attacked a man, society judged and shunned me. Now, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, beat whomever I want, take whatever I want, and society rewards me, strangers applaud. All I have to do is point and say "Villain" and no one asks any questions. I'd say the good far outweighs the bad.

I hope I answered your question. Now, why don't you finish that drink and take off your clothes. Batman's going to be back soon and I am not allowed to have visitors in the Cave. If you want to do it on the Batmobile, we'd better get started.