Q: What do you call the things sticking out of the hood on muscle cars?

A: We call those legs. Your legs. Femurs to be specific. There's not much skin left on them.

And that's not a heavenly choir of angels you hear, those are sirens. Oh, and the screams of your mother. She's pretty upset. The whole scene is pretty gruesome.

I do have some bad news:

You lost the drag race. It wasn't even close. Steve blew right past you at the start and ran away with it. You didn't even finish the race. You crashed into that tree. Turned right into it. You're not good at racing. I don't know why you thought you could beat Steve. No one beats Steve. I have no idea why you wagered your girlfriend against his car. In retrospect, that seems like a bad idea.

So, you didn't win Steve's car. He did win your girlfriend. They're making love right now. It seems like she's enjoying it.

That was a lot of bad news. I shouldn't have said "some" bad news, I should have said, "a lot." I should have said "I have a lot of bad news that you might not want to hear as you struggle to stay alive."

Sorry about that.

You probably didn't need to hear about losing the race. And losing your girlfriend. And losing your legs. I could have told you that you won. Not like it matters much anyway.

Oh well.

I do have some good news!

The police have said this is the worst accident they've ever seen. You're going to be in the papers!