Saturday, November 5, 2011

Q: What would it be like if you won five million dollars?

A: Awesome. It would be awesome. Easily the single greatest moment of my life. Far greater than the first time I had sex, or my wedding, or the birth of my son or even the 2003 playoffs when the Red Sox pulled off the greatest comeback in team sports history against the Yankees and then went on to win the World Series.

I'd buy a boat, a big one, with its own captain and crew and team of bikini models to dance on me as the sun sets, and travel the world from port to port making sweet love to every stripe of the female rainbow.

I'd learn Japanese. Or carry enough yen to convince everyone I met that I knew Japanese. Their warm smiles and nods would be a good feeling and would impress my army of hangers-on, unless one of my hangers-on actually knew Japanese. Remind me not to hang out with anyone who actually knows Japanese.

Obviously I'd changed my name, get a face lift and some lipo to make myself more attractive to the ladies. Not that I'd need to be that attractive; the boat would be very big.

But, before I'd do all that I would divorce my wife, abandon my awful kids and hit the road, finally a free man.

I don't understand why you're crying, son. Your mother's young enough to find a new man for you to call Daddy. If she's smart, she'll find someone who won't find your every move a source of shame.

Now sit down. The pretty lady's about to read the numbers.

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook