Q: Why sound can not travel without air?

A: Because, in space no one can hear you scream.  That's what I learned in science class. That's the only thing I know about space. And the only thing I know about science.

You should know that my science teacher had tenure and had given up on teaching by the time I reached high school. Instead of textbooks, he gave us old movie posters. Instead of conducting experiments, he had us play flag football in the hallways. Instead of writing reports, he had us write, produce and direct a series of erotic short films about a middle-aged high school science teacher sent back in time to save humanity by fathering the man who would one day lead us to victory in our war against the robots. For some reason, the mother had to be a high school student. 

I may not have learned much about science, but I learned a whole lot about life. And age of consent laws. 

Q: How can you leave a reader with something to think about in an essay?

A: With details. Specific, personal details.

The more you know about the reader, and the reader's world, the better you'll connect with him. If your essay gives the reader the impression that you've walked in his shoes, seen some of his life, slept in his bed, looked through his mail and talked to his wife, the reader will be left with dozens of questions.

Such as:

 - How did the writer get in my house?
 - When did he talk to my wife? What did he say to her?
 - What kind of a freak wears another man's shoes?
 - HE SLEPT IN MY BED? SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK? WHERE WAS MY WIFE?

An essay like that, built on a solid foundation of specific, concrete details, will leave the reader's mind spinning, make him question the his existence and drive him to the brink of madness.

To achieve actual madness, include pictures.

Q: Why are bacteria often used in biological studies?

A: They won't let us use puppies anymore. Or rabbits. Or rats.

This country has become so goddamn politically correct that we can't even use the homeless anymore. The homeless. Like they have anything better to do with their time.

These days, everyone has a lobbyist, or an activist, or a concerned celebrity. 

Except bacteria. No one holds rallies for bacteria. No one donates to "Save the Bacteria" telethons. No one cares about bacteria. 

It's a good thing that bacteria don't have feelings. At least as far as we know. We haven't studied whether or not they have feelings. We're going to get around to that, I promise. Right after we bioengineer a chicken that produces Cadbury Creme Eggs. 

Q: What phobia is a fear of being lied to?

A: You don't have a phobia, you're a human being. A paranoid, needy human being. Being on a Reality Television Show can be a nerve-wracking experience. That's why they hire producers like me: To help you feel comfortable.

Ask yourself this question: Why would I lie to you? What would I possible have to gain?

Okay, that was two questions. Nothing gets by you.

Seriously, though, why would I lie to you? I'm your friend. You can trust me. We've known each other almost four days. When I tell you it's in your best interest to approach that complete stranger, tell him you love him and stick your tongue down his throat, you know I'm telling you the truth.

And you know that if you don't do it, you're not going to get a rose, and you'll end up standing in the driveway, crying, while 15 other girls are drinking champagne with the man you're supposed to marry.

So, are you going to listen to me, who's never lied to you, or to your instincts, who always let you down?

Q: How can the sun be seen from earth?

A:  With a telescope.

Or binoculars.

Or the naked eye.

Stare at it while you can, before it goes away.

Oh, wait. I'm thinking of glaciers.

The sun's not going anywhere. Nor should you stare at it.

I probably should have told you to stop staring a few hours ago.

I apologize.

On the bright side, unless comic books have lied to me, your other senses will improve.

I also apologize for using the phrase "on the bright side." How inconsiderate of me. Boy, is my face red.

You'll have to trust me.