Q: What a good thing about killing whales?

A: Where should I start?

Whales are nature's fiercest killers. They're brutal. They're relentless. They'll spend a lifetime tracking you down, through every ocean, every sea, every river, every lake.

Even every above ground pool.

No place is safe from the terror that is whale.

Not even the land. Not even your home. Not even under your bed, huddled under your bed, your pillows like a fort, a curling iron your only defense.

Whales can climb stairs. Whales have night vision. Whales know to look under the bed.

Whales love human flesh.

Don't believe me? I didn't make this up. It's all written in a book, Moby Dick.

Well, I didn't actually read it. I flipped through it one day in a bookstore near the courthouse. I was in a bit of a hurry, with a lot on my mind, so I didn't retain much of the story. But I think I'm getting the gist of it.

I did see the movie, though.

Most of the movie. Some of the movie.

I looked at the box of the movie in the video store. It told me enough. It told me it's never wrong to kill a whale. I think that's the movie's tag line. Moby Dick: It's Never Wrong To Kill A Whale.

Is that right? It sounds right.

I must admit, I took a lot of acid that day.

And I killed a lot of whales.

Sea World hasn't been the same since.