Q: How would you go beyond customer service?

A: Greeting the customer with a smile? Answering all their questions to the best of my ability? Making their satisfaction my highest priority? Helping them find whatever they need? Offering to help them carry their purchases out of the store?

For amateurs. Anyone can do that.

What I do, what you need, what this company lacks, is true customer service, the ability to anticipate the customer's every question, every need, every desire. To know what they want before they want it. To have what they need before before they need it, before they even know they need it.

How do I do it? It's not simple and it's not easy. I get inside their mind, inside their skin. I follow them home. I look through their windows. I learn their security codes. By searching their emails, reading their mail, auditing their finances, talking to their parents, playing with their children, dating their ex-lovers and wearing their clothes, I am able to become like them. I am able to become them. I am able to provide the greatest customer service you could ever imagine.

I don't see what that would be creepy? Which part do you find creepy? When I talk to the kids? When I where their clothes? When I steal their identities to visit museums? When I take hair from their combs to make wigs? Is it when I sleep with the ex-lovers? Some folks find that extreme, but in my defense, I am dedicated to my craft.

All of it? You find all of it creepy?

I don't know what to say. I thought your organization valued customer service. If all you want is someone to plant a fake smile on his face and pretend to like people, then I suggest you hire a monkey. Because that is a job for a monkey. I was not aware that McDonald's employed monkeys. When you're ready to provide real customer service, give me a call.

Just don't wait to long. I have an interview this afternoon at Burger King. I have a feeling that they'll have a greater appreciation for my talents.