Q: What is the importance of the espionage in the civil war?

A: Our vast network of spies allows us to be everywhere, to see everything, and to anticipate the every move of the Union army. With the help of our spies, we've won many battles, captured many soldiers, and moved closer to the day when we will be free from the tyranny of our Northern oppressors.

Granted, this latest bit of intelligence seems a bit troubling, but our spies have never let us down before. According to them, we can win the war tonight, in one fell swoop. Apparently the Union army would be ill-prepared by a full assault by the entire Confederate Army, but only if we stripped completely naked and armed ourselves exclusively with rusty spoons and bales of hay. The men of the Union army live in fear of tetanus, are allergic to hay, and are forbidden from shooting naked men. At least that's what our latest intelligence message tells us.

Now, this message, written in a hand I have never seen before, in a code that doesn't exist, by a spy who spelled my name wrong, as well as his, means one of two things:

1.) The Union Army consists of sickly, weak, fearful men ready to give up the fight.

Or,

2.) Our spies have been captured, and we are being feed misinformation.

Gentlemen, I think the answer is pretty clear.

Now let's all get naked and win this war!