Q: What can I say to my girlfriend if she's crying?

A: Tell her you're sorry. Lead with it, end with it, and toss it in a few times in the middle. Tell her you'll change, that you'll never do that again, whatever thing it was that made her mad. You don't even have to know it is that you did, just promise to never do it again. If you have a dead relative, swear on his grave.

Tell her she looks beautiful, that you love her, that she's the most amazing woman in the world and any guy would be lucky to have her. Remind her that you are a man, and are therefore stupid. You didn't mean to say whatever it was you said that made her angry. Tell her you love her again. Throw in a sorry.

Hug her. Hold her tight. Think of the nicest thing you can possibly say about her, make it ten percent nicer, then whisper it into her ear.

This is not the time to compliment her breasts. Or say something like, "Maybe you'll feel better if you lost a little weight."

Tell her that her friends don't understand her. Tell her that everything is going to be okay. Remind her that you love her. Tell her these things happen, whatever these things may be. Tell her that other people's opinions don't matter, only the opinions of her loved ones, people like you. Remind her that you love her.

Tell her you're sorry one more time.

If, after all that - all the apologies and promises and declarations of love and listening and advice and understanding and hugging - she's still crying, put your car in reverse and back up a few feet. You might have parked on her foot.