Q: Is it safe to mix gasoline with Dawn detergent?

A: Absolutely. I've been mixing gasoline and Dawn detergent for years and I've never had a problem. Unless you consider sparkling clean whites a problem, and you shouldn't, because it's not. Nope, no problems at all.

Although, now that I think about it, my father spontaneously combusted  moments after donning a freshlylaundered sweat suit. One minute he's enjoying his traditional pre-jog cigarette, the next he's on fire, running and flailing and screaming. Those screams. Oh, those screams. I've never heard a man scream like that before.

Except for when my grandfather died. He screamed, too. The most horrible, awful screams.  Can't say I blame him, being on fire like that can't exactly feel like a hug. Come to think of it, he was wearing a bath robe fresh from the wash - he hated dry clothes - when he burst into flames.

My uncle also died in a laundry related fire. He wasn't wearing anything, he was just standing by the washing machine, cooking a grilled cheese on his hot plate, when he exploded, along with the washing machine and the hot plate.

Looking back, every death in my family has been the result of spontaneous combustion, and my blend of Dawn detergent and gasoline was involved every time. I'm beginning to notice a patter here.

I think that Dawn detergent's a killer. Better start mixing my gasoline with Tide.