Q: How do you count vanilla?

A:  How do I what?

How do I what?

Don't just stand there, on my threshold, shaking like a leaf, muttering to yourself like an idiot. You came here for a reason. You came here to ask a question.

How do I what?

How I do I feel about my brother's success? His glorious success? His ascension to the top of the children's cereal market? That's what you want to know isn't it? That's what all you reporters want to know. That's all you ever want to know. You're all the same.

You need a story and you do a little research and you find out that Count Chocula has a brother, a brother who also created a cereal, a cereal that never caught on, a cereal that never made it. You ask yourself, "What kind of fool would risk his life savings on a vanilla flavored cereal for children?" You have to know. You have to find out. You think you have a story.

But you didn't ask around. You found out where I live and you stopped there. You didn't bother to find out anything about me. You didn't bother to learn that I was eight feet tall. You didn't bother to learn that I was an albino. You didn't bother to learn that I had a second head, growing out of my neck.

Not so interested in writing a story about me now, are you? Now you're more interested in running away and hiding and trying to forget all about me.

You reporters are all the same.

Can't a giant, albino monster create his children's cereal in peace?