Q: Where are the farming areas?

A: Right over there, across the street, next to the row of birches.  Everything before the creek and after the road is available. Lots are two grand each, 3 for 5. Just so there's no confusion, everything under the house is available, too. We're tearing that down tomorrow.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Isn't that my land he's pointing at? Did he just say he's going to tear down my house?" Just so we're on the same page, the answer is yes.

Before you start making vacant threats or winding up to punch me take a moment to read over these legal documents. As you can see, I hold title on your land.

While you were at the grocery store, I had you declared legally unfit to own property. Wasn't all that hard to do. Once I showed the judge all those saved episodes of Toddlers & Tiaras on your DVR, he signed the order in what I'm told was record time.

Bet you wish you hadn't gone to the store for those Cool Ranch Doritos.

Q: Can you get addicted to both legal and illegal drugs?

A: You sure can!

Legal drugs are easier to get. Illegal drugs provide a quicker high. If you want to sleep walk through the work day keeping friends and co-workers and loved ones - especially loved ones. Know what I mean, fellas? (Most of the men are nodding. The ones who aren't nodding I assume to be not yet married or newly married.) - distant behind a wall of feel good fuzz and numbness, yet don't want to risk losing your job, legal drugs are the way to go. If being popular with strangers and staying up all night and feeling great about yourself sounds like your idea of a dream weekend, use illegal drugs.

If you want to be popular and disconnect emotionally from everyone around you, use both. There's a theory that suggests the best way to achieve popularity and lasting happiness is to avoid addictive drugs both legal and illegal. I doubt the proponents of this theory have ever been the guy with a pocketful of coke at 4AM when the party's threatening to die due to lack of drugs. Oh, the people you will meet and the places you will go.

As you might have guessed, I choose to be addicted to all drugs - crack, pot, booze, Adderall, Spice, PCP, Oxymorphone, caffeine, nicotine, and whatever horse tranquilizers I can scam from the vet techs in 5C - and I don't regret a minute of it. Not the nine-martini lunches, not sitting in the corner of the the club until the lights come on and I'm asked to leave, not the anonymous sex with ladies of dubious gender, not the restraining order filed by 5C, not the open weeping during conference calls, not the brawl with the bathroom mirror, not throwing the water cooler at Mr. Benson, not losing a fight to Mr. Benson, not the tazing or the pepper spray or the forced oral copulation in the holding cell, none of it. My life's been a non-stop party, and if you don't mind, your honor, I'd like to end this hearing right now and get back to it.

Q: What is the purpose of the Strive Program?

Q: The STRIVE Program helps the terminally unemployed find jobs by teaching them the tools necessary to be a productive member of the modern workforce. We do this by Striking Them Repeatedly with Increasing Violence Everyday until they get off the couch and get a job.

If you have a son or daughter or uncle or brother who spends all day sitting on the couch watching TV, making excuse after excuse about how, "You need a graduate degree these days," or "It's a competitive hiring environment," please give us a call. We will be at your home within hours, subjecting your loved ones to increasingly savage beatings, starting with open handed slaps, continuing with phone books and cherished childhood toys, ending with baseball bats and lead pipes, until they haul their ass down to McDonalds and fill out an application. Their excuses will not work on us, mostly because they will be drowned out by all the screams. And the laughter. We enjoy our work and we're not ashamed to admit it.

We've never had to use the lead pipes. Most people get off the couch once we reach for the cherished childhood toys. There's something about being beaten with a Man-E-Faces action figure that makes them see the error of their ways.

Our program boasts a 100% success rate, as long as you don't count the deaths. Which we don't. Many of those people had heart problems or weak spines. Since they wouldn't offer much to an employer anyway, we refuse to let them taint our statistics. I doubt they'll be missed. I would assume. I wouldn't actually know. We make it a policy not to stick around the house for too long after the beating. People get weird after seeing a family member beaten like that. You'd think they'd thank us, but usually they're too busy crying and calling us monsters and tearing up the bill and threatening to call the police.

We're not monsters. We are businessmen. Businessmen who sometimes dress like monsters in order to persuade someone back into the work force. And if they'd bothered to read the fine print, they would know that they have waived the right to press charges, as well as forfeited all potential royalties from the sale of beating videos.

The videos are huge in Finland.

Q: What is it that all states request from all voters?

A: We, the elected officials of the 50 states, request that every voter, from the newly registered 18-year-old eager to the change the world, to the 81-year-old shut in who votes because it gives him a chance to feel relevant, take the time to learn about the issues at hand. The polling place is not somewhere to ask a lot of questions like, "What does this word mean?" or  "Which one of these guys will take my guns away?" or "What time do you get off? I wouldn't mind stuffing your ballot." That last one isn't even a question, more of a sleazy pick-up, and sleazy pick ups do not belong near a voting booth unless used by a candidate, and only then when whispered or written in a note when the candidate's spouse is in the restroom.

We request that all voters bath and wear clothes before visiting their polling station. Nice clothes, with collars and buttons. None of those ironic T-shirts of Ugg boots.The rest of the world follows our elections and, well, they already think we're idiots, on account of Bush's reelection. And Sarah Palin. And the whole "death panels" thing. Herman Cain's candidicy didn't help. Let's not give them any more ammunition. We cannot stress the part about the Ugg boots enough.

We request that voters cast their votes for real candidates, who have taken the time to make ads attacking their opponents, and spent the money to pay for those ads, and sacrificed many of life's perks, such as extended extramarital affairs or the joys of week long cocaine binges. Voters who write in names, of either real people who probably couldn't raise the money to even get on the ballot and couldn't possibly afford to run a proper campaign, or fictional characters who may be able to hold government jobs in the McDonalds Playland but would be unable to do so in the real world because they have a cheeseburger for a head,  think they are making a statement. They are. The statement is "I am an idiot." Please don't waste our time with your pathetic cries for attention. It is beneath us as a country.

Above all else, we request that voters continue to think that their vote counts. That it matters. That voters hold the safety of the republic in their hands, that we serve at their whim, that they are the voice we must answer to. That they are the fuel that run the engine of democracy. Please keep thinking this.

Because if you stop believing and start asking questions, we're in a whole lot of trouble. And I like my yacht.

Q: How do you get your hp laptop to turn on after hibernating?

A: Pour whiskey on it. If that doesn't work, try calling it a disappointment while shaking it. If your computer still won't wake up, pelt it with lit cigarettes.

I admit, I don't know much about computers, but I do know a lot about sleeping in. That's how my father would get me out of bed.

I'm just kidding.

My father would never waste whiskey.