Q: How do you grow island?

A: I started with a simple dream: to own my own island.

After preliminary research, I discovered that private islands are the exclusive providence of the very rich.I am not very rich. Nor even regular rich. Nor even poor. I have held one job in my life, at Burger King. My employment lasted three weeks and I was fired for stealing paper crowns.

I had to devise a new plan. I decided to build my own island. As I am not an engineer, nor a God, I did not know the first thing about building an island.

I assumed all I would need nothing more than a lot of sand and a lot of time. The time I had. I could get the sand. it's literally everywhere. I assumed I would have my own private island in no time, perhaps a few years, no more than four.

I assumed wrong. Turns out islands don't float.

On the bright side, I own the world's largest supply of salty mud. For the next twenty minutes.

Q: What types of waves are found in electromagnetic spectrum?

A: As of today, giant ocean waves caused by a tsunami.

I told you we shouldn't build our giant spectrometer on the beach. People usually build these sorts of things in labs. Giant labs, far from the sea. But you never listen. And I've just about had it.

Please stop claiming to be the lost Prince of Atlantis. No one believes you any more. I was the last person. Everyone told me that you were a phony, that you couldn't control the seas, that you couldn't communicate with fish, that you couldn't breathe underwater, that Atlantis does not exist and that, if I stayed with you, I would end up, alone, broken hearted, surrounded by water-damaged scientific equipment. Turns out, they were right. I should have listened.

In retrospect, your claims to be the Prince of Atlantis were ludicrous. You're allergic to shellfish. You don't understand even the simplest nautical terms. You can't swim. I have no idea why I ever believed you. Love will do strange things to a man.

I have to leave you now. Farewell, fake prince. Never call me again.

By the way, since no one buys your act anymore, you can put on pants now. And take those little wings off your ankles. They're clearly pigeon wings that you glued to your skin. They're falling off, and decomposing. And they never really made any sense.

Q: What is the link between salsa sauce and salsa dance?

A: Salsa, whether in dip or dance form, adds an element of danger, sophistication and intrigue to any party. There's not a social situation in the world that can't be spiced up with a little salsa.

Again, the dance or the dip.

Unless your mother is involved. That always makes it disappointing.

Especially the dance.

Especially at your senior prom.

Q: How do you heal a Ripped off nail?

A: Keep the wound clean, change the bandage three times a day, avoid working with your hand for a few weeks. If you follow those simple steps, your nail will be back to normal before you know it.

But, when it comes to nail care, the best treatment is prevention. In the future, when you turn into a werewolf, you might consider staying at home to enjoy a quiet night by yourself, instead of running into town, terrorizing villagers, mauling everyone you see with your razor sharp claws. The villagers have are aware of your transformation cycle. They've been paying attention. They can know when the moon will be full, giving them ample lead time to construct replica villagers made out of stone. Those stone villagers can be murder on your nails.

Q: Does blood pump only from an atrium to a ventricle?

A: That's how it's supposed to work. In theory.

Of course, everything works in theory: Communism, hoverboards, long distance relationships. Unfortunately, we don't live in theory, we live in reality, a place where the unexpected becomes the norm, where selfish competition and laziness rule, where romantic partners who live across the country are likely to grow lonely and seek comfort in the arms of attractive co-workers, where skateboards need wheels to go anywhere.

Also found in reality: kitchen knives. Knives that, when plunged into the human chest over and over, disrupt the theoretical function of the heart. Instead of pumping blood from an atrium to a ventricle, a heart full of kitchen knife is likely to pump blood all over the kitchen floor.

There is a lesson here: the heart is a fragile instrument and the slightest interference can create unexpected complications.

Another lesson: when your wife asks if you would sleep with her sister "in theory," say "No" and move on with your life. Don't shout "Yes! Yes! Yes! For the love of God, Yes!" Don't go into graphic detail about your fantasies. And whatever you do, don't show your wife diagrams of potential lovemaking positions that you have drawn on napkins, place mats and envelopes over the years.