Monday, August 29, 2011

Q: Why do people with a low self esteem have a lower chance of getting a job?

A: Employers want confident employees, employees who rise to meet every challenge, who will put out every fire figurative or literal, who will solve every problem, attend every meeting,  fill out every suit, impress every vendor with their charm and wit, employees who know what they are doing, or at the very least, look and act like they know what they are doing.

People with low self-esteem are never confident. They're insecure to their very core, often the result of a childhood trauma, a trauma they will be more than happy to share in excruciating detail at the worst possible moment, like when you're chatting up Cindy, the intern with the nose ring.

People with low self-esteem are often fat. No one wants to work with fat people, to have have their work constantly disrupted by the sounds of labored breathing, to be be doused with sweat, to have the office clouded with debates over flavored gravy. Fat employees are endless distractions, especially for someone like Cindy who spends far too much of her day laughing at their lame jokes instead of looking at pictures of your new Corvette.

People with low esteem have an unpredictable sense of humor. They often don't laugh at jokes enough, or, far worse, they laugh too much, frequently at their own jokes. On far too many occasions, an important story about a wild weekend in Vegas, a story which would normally appeal to Cindy, is ruined when the low self-esteem employee laughs at the wrong part, confusing Cindy and making her reconsider offers to join the executive staff in Vegas on the next corporate retreat.

People with low self-esteem lack the physical attractiveness required in today's workplace. Pretty people make pretty employees, increasing the chances for workplace affairs, workplace affairs being the reason most people come to work in the first place. Sure, it's nice to have a few uglies around to make the rest of the staff look better, provided that the uglies know their place on the pecking order and don't step out of line by always talking to Cindy and taking Cindy out to lunch and inviting Cindy out for drinks and befriending Cindy and treating Cindy with respect and telling Cindy that she doesn't have to work late and warning Cindy that Intern Bikini Day is not a real thing, causing irreparable damage to office morale.

Well, that's all the time I have for today. I have to get back to the office. It's always fun to get a chance to come back to my alma mater and speak to the next generation of business leaders.  I hope I've answered your questions and I look forward to working with some of you once you've received your MBAs, especially the redhead in the back and the blonde over there by the window. In case anyone is interested in an internship, one just became available. Ladies only.  Call me.

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook