Q: What candy is opposite of bad and few?

A: You mean Good & Plenty. I have lots of candy in my van, but I don't have Good & Plenty. I do have Acceptable & Abundant. It's a Canadian knock off. I have cases out it. Got it real cheap on eBay. Wholesalers are giving it away ever since the Canadian government ordered it off the shelves after a half dozen cases of child blindness. Still legal in America, though. Can I interest you in a bag?

No? You sure?

Okay, how about some Pricker Bush Kids? It's a regional candy, popular in New England for a few years in the late 70's until some parents group discovered it contained trace amounts of barbed wire - you know, just enough to give it some kick - then they freaked out and had it banned. That's parents for you. But it's still out there, and I've got most of it. Want to try some?

What about some Razor Apples? Don't worry, they don't contain actual razors, that's just a myth. But they do contain a powerful hallucinagin that makes you think you're a unicorn. A savage, bloodthirsty unicorn incapable of feeling pain. Razor Apples were pretty popular on the playground for a couple years, until those damn parents got involved again; now you have to go to Thailand to buy them.

Parents ruin everything. Take my business for example. I started Candy Van for a simple reason: to give young children rides in a cool van full of candy. Today's kids are too distrusting of strangers. I wanted to teach them that not all strangers who offer you candy are creepy pedophiles trying to lure you into their van for deviant sexual purposes and slash or murder. Some of us are kind people who love to put a smile on a child's face, a smile that only an illegal candy containing powerful narcotics can bring. You'd think parents would appreciate that, seeing their children happy. Guess again. They treated me like I was some kind of freak.

In hindsight, the ski mask may have been a mistake. But I didn't want to frighten the children with the horrible scars I received in prison.