Q: Where can you find a voodoo specialist in your area?

A: Why would you assume there's a voodoo specialist in my area?

Lots of neighborhoods are littered with chicken bones. Mine is not the only one. I'm sure if you drove around town and opened your eyes, I mean really opened them, and looked around, you would see chicken bones everywhere, and streets covered with bizarre symbols drawn in chalk, and stupefied people with ashen skin shuffling through the streets like zombies. Those sites are not exclusive to my front door.

Those? Those are my collection of pin cushions. I'm a bit obsessed, I must admit. I love pin cushions. It just so happens that many of the pin cushions in my collection are human shaped, and appear to resemble some of my neighbors - certain thoughtless people who throw loud parties during the weekday, block my driveway with their luxury SUVs, listen to modern popular music at deafening levels or subscribe to The New Yorker - some of whom have recently suffered spontaneous broken legs or arms, or become overwhelmed with a sudden bring sensation, as if they have been placed in an oven. I can assure you any similarities between the pin cushions are my neighbors are purely coincidental.

I'm sorry I can't be more help, Officer. I hope you find this voodoo specialist who has been, as you put it, "terrorizing" the neighborhood. I'll keep my eyes open and let you know if I see anything.

Could you leave me a business card, so I can contact you if I have any information?

Great.

And could I trouble you for a lock of your beautiful hair?