Q: What good colleges can you get into?

A: I can get into NYU, because I made a series of award-winning snuff films. They all made the papers. At least after my acquittal.

Or I could get into Vanderbilt, study hotel management, because of my high GPA, my solid ACT score and my years of distinguished service at Motel 6.

I could get into Arizona State, because I filled out the application.

But I'll probably go to Yale, because of the school President's fondness for underage boys. And my talents as a photographer.