Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Q: What are the factors causing decline of biodiversity?

A: Well, the plants are dying. The pesticides we brought killed them. Ironically, the pesticides didn't kill the bugs. They made the bugs stronger. Faster. Meaner.

The bugs ate the livestock. The bugs ate the birds. The bugs ate the lab animals. The bugs ate Jennings, the lab tech. The bugs got the thirst for human blood.

There's not many of us left now, Spiros, just you and me. And the bugs. All those bugs. The bugs and nothing else. That's not biodiversity, that's bioscarcity.

When they write the history of BioSphere 4, they'll blame the sudden, cataclysmic decline on biodiversity on any number of factors: poor planning, shoddy construction, improper pesticides, our decision to stock the sphere with insects discovered in a smoking crater from the Mojave Desert. But those aren't the real reason.

The real reason is the lack of air. We made the place air tight. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Another good idea would have been to install some oxygen tanks so we'd have something to breathe. The lack of oxygen really clouded our thinking. We really haven't done anything right since.

If we make it out of here, and I get a chance to design BioSphere 4 - as God as my witness - I will not make that mistake again. I will use my construction budget for actual construction, construction of the Sphere, construction of a life support system, instead of construction of a false identity that allowed us to jet around the world, living the high life and bedding models from Eastern Europe.

Those were the days, Spiros.

Spiros, you have a bug for a head.

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook