Q: Is it normal for husband to flirt with his cousins?

A: In most families, yes. But, as you will find out, we are not like most families.

For one thing, most families live in houses. Our family lives in a well.

Most families hold down jobs, or start companies, or make their money living off the government. Our family makes it's money rifling through the pockets of cityfolk who fall down our well.

Most families buy their food at the store, and they eat regular meals together every night. Our family finds their food in the well and we eat just as soon as the cityfolk stop kicking.

Most families socialize with other families and encourage cousins not to sleep with each other once they reach puberty. Our family doesn't mingle much. And we don't tell our children what to do in their private time.

Yup, our family is pretty peculiar, but you'll grown accustomed to our eccentricities. Give your husband a little room to breathe. Sure, he may flirt with his cousins, but once he's had his fun, he's coming back to this rock to be with you. He'll make the happiest wife in the whole damn world.

At least until a prettier girl falls down the well.

Q: Why does a mouse bind its head?

A: When that mouse came into the village, he came on a mission of peace, on a fact finding mission. He came to do no harm. He came to observe. What he saw made him sick.

He saw other mice mistreated, abused, slaughtered. He watched his best friend die, blown to pieces by a landmine. He had his new found love die in his arms, a victim of a bullet meant for him. He saw corruption and sadism on a grand scale. He saw a land where life had no meaning.

That mouse had enough. He decided to stand up for those who can not stand, fight back for those who can not fight. That mouse decided to wage a one-man war against tyranny and oppression.

That's why he tied his boats real tight. That's why he slid that knife into the sheath so hard. That's why he donned that red bandanna.  A mouse binds his head because he means business. That mouse means business.

We should probably kill him before he fires that flaming arrow.

Q: What is the difference between otter box and body armor?

A: Body armor protects. It will prevent puncture wounds. It will deflect knives. It will stop bullets. Body armor will save your life.

An otter box is a shoe box full of otters. In theory, it might help you - if the otters were rabid, or hungry or trained to kill. But we don't live in theory. We live in reality. And in reality, all your otters are dead. A shoe box full of dead otters won't protect a thing.

Knowing all that, which would you rather have, the body armor or the otter box?

Choose again.

Try again.

One more time. Really think about it this time.

Is that your final choice?

Okay.

We can't allow you to work on the President's protection detail. That job requires the ability to take a bullet for the President. That ability requires a understanding of what body armor does.

Thank you for your time. Best of luck in your future endeavors.

Don't forget your otters.

Q: What is cracked agate?

A: At first I thought it was some bizarre threat, or maybe it's a new drug, or popular music act - I'm so out of touch with today's music. I realized it could mean nothing, plain nothing. Gibberish. Kids today love to shout random gibberish at the top of their lungs. They think it's funny.

I realized I might have misheard him. He's talking real fast, running his words together. I noticed he's slurring some.

Then I saw the gate to my yard. What was left of it.

Then I saw the front of his car. And the rest of my gate.

Then I realized what he said.

Cracked a gate makes a lot of sense now.

Q: Where are the blow holes located?

A: This is your first time doing this sort of thing, isn't it?

I can tell. You seem a bit nervous. And overdressed.

First thing: relax. Take a deep breath. You're going to have a good time.

You'll find the holes in the men's room. Pick a stall. Can't miss them. You'll know them when you see them.

One more thing: they're called Glory Holes.

Knock yourself out.