Q: What is a collapse plot?

A: I guess the jig is up. I might as well come clean.

A collapse plot, rather, my collapse plot was plan, eight months in the making, to kill you and take your money. It was a pretty ingenious plan. I'm not just saying that because it was my plan, I'm basing my assessment solely on the plan itself. Specifically on it's ingenious nature.

First I'd bump into you at the supermarket, then I'd befriend you, gain your confidence, insinuate myself into every nook of your life, create conflict between you and your loved ones, slowly strip away all stability in your life, until I was your only friend and you had no choice but to name me as your sole heir, I lure you into the woods, where you would "accidentally" stumble into a pit full of sharp sticks, old bear traps broken glass, allowing me to collect my inheritance.

As you are now aware, my plan did not go as smoothly as I hoped. Perhaps my excitement got the better of me. Perhaps I shouldn't have marked the pit with a large, neon X. Perhaps I shouldn't have shouted "THE COLLAPSE PLOT CONCLUDES!" as you approached the pit. Perhaps my diabolical laugh was a mistake.  Perhaps I shouldn't have hired that marching band, and those cheerleaders, and had all those balloons drop from the trees. I realize now that I may have alerted you a little too soon.

Judging from the look on your face and the gun in your hand, I'm assuming there will be some changes in your will. I understand. But, if I may make one request: Before you shoot me, please help me clean up these balloons. All that latex is bad for the environment. Plus, I rented them from a party store and I'd really like to get my deposit back.

Q: What are the dimensions of a hay bale?

A: Hay bales exist in the first, second and third dimension, exclusively. Hay bales cannot travel through time.

I'm sorry to disappoint you. I know that your brother's death in that flood still haunts you, but you have to face reality: You can't save him by sending bales of hale back through time.

You'll have to think of something else, maybe a personal time machine, maybe a letter that can travel through time, maybe an enchanted Etch-A-Sketch that lets you draw the world as you want it.

I don't care what it is, as long as it keeps you occupied and out of the house. All that mourning your dead brother crap is really killing my buzz.

Q: Why does the rear glass stay dry when driving fast in the rain?

A: There is no rear glass. The cops shot out the window five minutes ago. That's why I screamed. That's why I told you to speed up. That's why Murray made that "Argh!" sound. That's why he grabbed his neck. That's why he started bleeding all over the car.

Don't you remember any of this? It just happened. Have you been paying attention at all?

I don't mean to be a dick, but is this your first day as a getaway driver?

I thought so.

Where did we find you?

I had no idea Craigslist had a section for Criminal Services. That seems like a bad idea.

Well, okay then. Here's a little crash course in getaway driving: Focus on the road, not the radio. Go as fast as you can. Don't worry about speeding, or red lights, or tailgating - moving violations are the least of your troubles. Try weaving a bit, but not too much. And, please, for the love of God, stop using your turn signals.

Q: How much weight can you lose in a week?

A: Ever since I reached adulthood and stopped growing vertically; I have grown horizontally - then shrunk, then grown again, then shrunk, shrunk more, grown again, and again, still more growing, then a large dramatic shrink ... I could go on like this for hours; let's just say that I have experienced significant fluctuations in weight over the past 20 years.

With a strict diet and vigorous exercise, I once lost 20 pounds in a week. To celebrate, I ate a whole pizza while bathing in caramel. To my surprise, the weight came back.

One time I lost 6 pounds in a day, simply by removing my soiled pants. Here's a hint: If you take a girl home from a bar with the intent of performing the sex act with her, don't tell her that story. She will not be impressed. Showing her the pants will only amplify her horror.

A few years back, I lost 38 pounds in three minutes, without diet, exercise or removing any clothes, when a shark bit my leg off. As a result of the attack, the Boston Aquarium now bans visitors from chumming the water. At least some good came of the attack, in addition to the weight loss.

Q: What guy should you choose?

A: It's a sad fact of life that most men will break your heart. They can't help it, it's their nature. They're hunters, hardwired for centuries to seek the most desirable mate, no matter the situation, no matter their relationship status, no matter how crazy the potential mate might be.

You want a guy who's not like that, a man too lazy to hunt, too self-conscious to approach new mates, too insecure to put a fight when you demand he change, too afraid to question your actions, too timid to stand up to you when you abuse him, too self-involved to realize that you have been cheating on him and spending his money on lavish affairs with your multiple beaus, too slow to outrun the police should you get into trouble, too loyal to ever testify against you, too trusting to predict your eventual betrayal, too sad to do much more than cry once you break his heart.

Find a man like that and he'll keep you entertained until you find someone better.

The Fake Answers he writes will be an added bonus.