Q: What are the best undercover names?

A: Choosing an undercover name is an important part of an agent's career. The right name can lead to fame and fortune, secretly of course, while the wrong one can get you exposed, or worse, featured in an unflattering portrayal in Undercover Attitudes, the Magazine for the Undercover Community.

When I began my career as an agent, we did not choose our names; they were assigned to us. Do you think I'd choose to go by Count Reginald Von Vorhees? Do you think I stayed up all night, thinking it over, scribbling names in a notebook, saying them softly to myself, trying them out like ball gowns until I had the perfect one, the one that fit my face and mannerisms and finally settled on Reginald Van Vorhees? No. It was assigned. I had no choice in the matter. That's how it was in those days. Then the unions got involved - and the self esteem movement - and now everyone is a special little prince who must be handled with delicacy. Gone were the days of Count Reginald Von Vorhees or Lady Allison Montgomery-Max or Fats Happenstance. No everyone wants to be a gangster, everyone wants to be Dutch Manners or Tommy Fists. Terrible. Terrible names.

When it comes to your name, I suggest something that fits your personality - obviously the last thing you want to do is blow a three month sting because you've been using the name Kenta Kobayashi and you are very much Caucasian - but also something that speaks to nefarious intentions as well as trustworthiness. You want your prey to see you as a bad man, and accept you as such, but not question your identity. Names like Lord Nelson Badguy and Duke Dustin Notacop are solid names, and might serve you well for a number of years. But do they suit you? Let's be honest. They do not.

Looking at you, I see one name that fits. One name that will insure entry to the criminal underworld will securing safety for yourself and your loved ones.

That name is Adolph Hitler.

How soon can you grow a moustache?