Q: Is there more energy when field mice eat spiders or when they eat oats?

A: When I began my experiments with field mice, I was sure that eating a diet of spiders would give field mice more energy than eating a diet of oats. Pretty damn sure. I must admit I entered into my hypothesis somewhat haphazardly, as I have never worked with field mice, or with a controlled experiment, or in a lab, or with other people. Most of my previous experiments had been strictly theoretical: How many rhinoceros could fit in the International Space Station? Who would win in a fight between Batman and The Scarlet Pimpernel? Could the Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl with a robot for a quarterback? That sort of thing.

Despite my lack of actual scientific expertise, I was awarded a grant and given a budget to conduct my experiments. Again, I admit I may have jumped ahead of myself a little bit. I could have started small, say with ten mice and ten spiders and one bag of oats, and see if my hypothesis proved true. I didn't start small. I bought 3 million field mice, spending most of my budget. In order to save money on the spiders, I bought a box of 7-legged tarantulas from Pakistan. I figured it wouldn't matter.

It did matter. Turns out, field mice get most of their energy from oats and very little from spiders. Turns out field mice don't eat irregular Pakistani spiders. Irregular Pakistani spiders do, however, eat field mice. At an alarming rate.

Turns out irregular Pakistani spiders get a tremendous burst of energy from eating field mice. They also develop tremendous aggression. And a tremendous appetite. And they grow. At an alarming rate.

I guess you could say my experiment was a failure. The grant board did, even after I tried to go back and change my application to say that I intended to prove that feeding spiders a diet of field mice would create an army of gigantic, blood-thirsty, super-intelligent spiders who could read minds. You know, for military use.

Didn't I mention they could read minds?

Well, they can. Don't think about killing spiders.

I've put my failed experiment behind me and I'm focused on my next project: I intend to prove that I can save the world from an army of gigantic, blood-thirsty, super-intelligent spiders who can read minds by sleeping with the Maxim Hot 100. I mailed the grant application this morning. Fingers crossed.