Q: What are three theories that explain the origin of language?

A: Theory #1: Early man was telepathic and had no need for spoken language. Early man was also violent and had a great need to beat each other with sticks and rocks and large fish. The beatings resulted in numerous concussions, decreased grey matter and the need for a spoken language. According to this theory, the first words were "Hey, quit it."

Theory #2: Words didn't used to mean things. They were simply a series of sounds used to denote one emotion: joy. Everyone felt joy, all the time, and expressed it constantly. Every word meant "I am joyful," from Joy to Happy to Apoplectic to Shenanigan to Balderdash to Uppity to Ralph. Then the fire-breathing dinosaurs rose from the sea and obliterated 90% of the known world and 100% of the joy. In an effort to reclaim the land humans needed to mount a coordinated offensive. To do that, they needed words that meant things. According to this theory, the first words were, "Ralph will be the decoy."

Theory #3: Life began with one couple, a man and a woman. They didn't need to talk much because they spent all their time making love. Sweet, sweet love. The kind of love that occurs once in a millennium, when a man loves a woman with his whole being, heart and soul together. Then the couple had children, children that grew to be teenagers. Attractive teenagers. Especially the daughter. Soon, the man had a need to keep secrets, thus language was born. According to this theory, the first words were: "Ssshhhh, it's okay."

As you can see, all of these theories are completely ridiculous.  Why don't go back to my place, enjoy a glass/box of wine and come up with a few of our own.

Don't tell your mother.

Q: How do you get surf after you beat your dad?

A: The same way you surf any other time: by paddling out there, being patient, timing the tide, catching the wave, leaping on the board, maintaining balance and riding that baby all the way back to shore.

By "baby", I mean "your surf board", not an actual baby. DO NOT RIDE YOUR CHILD!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. I'm a little on edge. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's because I've been drinking too much coffee, maybe it's due to economy-related stress.

Or maybe it's because I just watched you savagely beat your father with a surfboard.

That's probably it. That was unsettling. I did not expect that to happen.

Wow. You got really angry there for a second. That was weird.

Anyway, have fun at the beach. You might want to give your board a good rinse before you head out, unless you want to attract the attention of the police. Or the sharks.

Q: Why it is essential for accurate vital signs?

A; Funerals are big business. People love to spend money -  tons of money, more than they can afford - on lavish funerals for their deceased loved ones. I guess they think they money they spend will make up for the love they withheld during their life. Something like that. I don't really know. I don't care to ask. I just cash the checks. All those big checks.

Here's the thing about the funeral business: People keep dying. No matter what we do, no matter what progress scientists make, people keep dying. Every single day. We will always be in demand.

Unless, of course, we break the Golden Rule of Funerals.

Make sure the guy in the coffin is dead. That's the Golden Rule. That's the only rule! That's the most important part of our job.

Always make sure the deceased is deceased. That's all you have to do. That's why we have this stethoscope. And this mirror. And this hammer.

Hit him on the knee with a hammer. If he moves, he's not dead. If he's not dead, hit him on the head with the hammer.

Get on with it, the mourners are getting restless. And I see an attractive widow in need of some vigorous consoling.

Q: Is it illegal to have a pet monkey in Texas?

A: I'm not a lawyer. Nor am I am a judge. I tried to be a judge once, but it turns out there are more requirements than having your own robe and gavel. I pointed out that I am also very judgmental. No one in the court room seemed impressed. A riot started, or something. All I know is there was a lot of yelling and cursing, people were fighting. A bailiff drew his gun. I got out of there as soon as I could.

What were we talking about?

Right, the monkey. You're still on about that.

Look, we can spend all day arguing back and forth about the legality of owning a pet monkey in Texas, or the morality of training the monkey to kill or the stupidity of giving a trained monkey assassin a cocktail of Red Bull, vodka, cocaine, speed and Viagra, but it won't solve anything. You can stand there and yell and scream and call me names until you're blue in the face, but it's not going to bring your poodle back to life.

Instead of pointing fingers and placing blame, maybe you should take some responsibility. Ask yourself, "Did I do anything to cause the death of my poodle? Am I responsible in any way? By dressing her in bows and ribbons and spending a fortune on grooming, did I make the mistake of making her too attractive to a coked-up, killer monkey?"

Spend some time in front of the mirror and ask yourself those questions. The answers you find might surprise you. Even if they don't, you'll have given me more than enough time to make my escape.

You should probably go look in that mirror now, my monkey found your power tools.

Q: What does the h mean on an ATV tire?

A: The H doesn't stand for anything. It's just that, an H. It stands for H, the letter H.

Take a step back and look to your right. You'll see another letter. To the right of that, another letter. And then one more on the end there. If you look closely, or at all, you'll notice these four letters make a word. A word that has been written, again and again, all over your ATV. A pretty nasty word.

Folks round here are pretty conservative. Well, let's be fair -  they're bigots. Hateful bigots. Some of the meanest, hateful, fear-mongers you can imagine. God Bless them, but they don't know any better.

Guess they heard about what goes on in your cabin when the Mayor visits. Guess they don't approve. At least, now that they understand what happens when the Mayor visits. They really didn't get it at first.

They're simple folks. They don't understand much. You can't imagine how many times I had to explain it. At first they thought you were wrestling. Then I explained it. Then I explained again. And again. Finally I drew some pictures. Then they got it. And, man alive, did they get angry.

I have to admit, it was kind of fun seeing that moment of realization, watching them get all angry, quoting the bible and using all those slurs. They sure do get worked up. You have no idea what they wanted to do to you. Good thing I was here to talk them out of the murderous rage I had recently incited them to. Things like that make me a good sheriff.  Thankfully, I was able to stop them in time. Luckily, only your 4-wheeler was damaged.

Speaking of ... Now that your ATV is all defaced, have you reconsidered my offer to buy? The Sheriff's Department could really use one.