Q: How did specific battles affect President Lincoln's political decisions?

A: The Battle of Fort Sumter convinced Lincoln that, due to the opposition in the South to many of his policies, his plan to personally visit every Southern citizen for an evening of coffee, bacon sandwiches, and honest debate about the future of the nation should be scrapped and replaced with a long and bloody war.

After the Union's devastating defeat at the First Battle of Bull Run, Lincoln canceled Executive Order 214C-1.2, which had required all Union soldiers to stand, wave, shout "Heads up, bullets coming!" and count to ten before firing.

When news of the Battle of Awesome-Sauce reached the capital, Lincoln removed Eugene Carson, a skulking forty-three-year-old man-child and distant cousin of Lincoln's wife, from his position as Director of Civil War Battles and Ice Cream Parties. Carson was later tried, and convicted, of Very Silly Treason.

The Battle of Wilson's Creek, another decisive victory for the rebellion, forced Lincoln to reconsider his entire war strategy. Early the next morning, he sent Col. Thomas Mapother on a secret mission to Japan. Mapother would secure a small, deadly squad of samurai warriors to join the Union effort. Lincoln believed the sudden emergence of samurai warriors on a Civil War battlefield would lead to swift victory for the Union, and also provide a breathtaking visual for those in attendance.

Two months later, Lincoln received a letter from Mapother containing only the words "Oh my God Sake!" The Colonel sent no further correspondence.

Despite his disappointment in Matpother's failure, Lincoln forever clung to the idea of a small group of samurai warriors winning the war for the Union. As the war wound down, Lincoln worked around the clock, turning his notes into a four-hour stage play which he called The Last Cavalry. The play became his obsession. He was sure this play, more than saving the nation, more than passing the Thirteenth Amendment and ending slavery, would be his legacy. On the evening of April 14th, 1865, Lincoln attended a production of Our American Cousin with a copy of The Last Cavalry in his coat pocket. He hoped to corner noted Washington, D.C. theatre producer Arthur Wilde after the show and use all his charm, guile, and the considerable powers of the presidency, to convince Wilde to produce the play. An ad-lib by actor John Wilkes Booth resulted in cancellation of the meeting.

Q: What is the death rate of children in Victorian England?

A: Hmmm ... That's an interesting question, especially from someone in your position. I don't have the figures at the moment, but I'd imagine they are at par or slightly lower than the rest of Europe. I had no idea you were so inquisitive.

Hold on a moment. I believe my wife is calling. What's that, dear?


I'm terribly sorry. My wife has taken ill. We won't be able to attend the opening of Mr. Wilde's latest play. As such, we won't need a babysitter this evening. I hope you understand.

You can have the tickets. And your expected pay. And these jewels.

Please put down my daughter.

Q: How were the nuclear reactors removed from the USS Nautilus during her restoration to museum status?

A: Here's the thing, and I hope you can keep this quiet. I don't want one word of this spreading to the other tour groups. Some of them can be pretty jumpy. But you folks look like the type who can keep a secret. Besides, tomorrow's my last day. It's not like they can do anything to me. Anyway, here's the thing:

We never removed the nuclear reactors. We painted them over with scenes of sea life. Apparently, that was enough. As long as no one said anything, we could call this thing a museum, place some stanchions out front and start charging admission.  Just so you don't think we were heartless, we paid attention to our guests, making sure that their flesh didn't start burning or their eyes didn't begin to glow luminescent in the dark passages. We take our jobs seriously here. Our business depends on repeat customers.

Can you imagine the conversations? "How was your visit to the USS Nautilius Museum?" "Well, my hair tuned green, my skin broke out in volcano sized boils and the baby melted." "So nothing from the gift shop?" Who would want to come back? No one. That's why we keep a careful eye on every guest who wanders near the reactor and why we monitor the integrity of the ship every six months to make sure no radioactive material has leaked out.

We would monitor it more frequently, but most of the inspectors wind up rather deformed. Most of them, anyway. The rest wind up rather dead. Hard position to fill, as you can imagine.

That concludes our tour.  On your way out, please visit our gift shop. I recommend one of our glow-in-the-the-dark dolls. Just make sure you keep them away from food and children.

Q: How do presidents get citizens to vote for them?

A: By promising to do things that they will never do, have no intention of doing, are incapable of doing, or are impossible. In everyday life, such statements would be called "Lies"or "Outright Fraud"  but in the charming world of Presidential elections, they are called "Campaign Promises" or "Politics as Usual."

A Presidential candidate is not judged on his experience, which is often lacking, or his record, often spotty, or even his prior public statements, often contradictory. Instead he is judged on his ability to make you believe that he believes the words currently coming out of his mouth, even though you know these words are not true and will be forgotten as soon as he is elected. In a normal person we would consider such a trait "Pathological Narcissism" but in a Presidential candidate we call it "Electability."

If a candidate cannot win over the public with his fake sincerity, he will often resort to something known as "Negative Campaigning" or "Attack Ads" which you would recognize as "Character Assassination" or "Slander." Suggesting that a fellow human being, someone who has dedicated his life to public service, would trigger a nuclear war or put senior citizens to death or institute white slavery might seem beyond the bounds of human decency, and reveal its suggester as an unreliable, unscrupulous schemer, but this is what wins elections, tearing the other guy down.

If the traditional techniques of treachery, deceit and betrayal fail to capture the imagination of the voting public, a candidate has only one weapon left: stealing the election. But that requires a lot of political capital, the kind only a political  dynasty with a considerable fortune built on bootlegging or shady oil deals could posses. And dynasties like that only come around every 40 years or so.

Q: How did Jefferson Davis want to fight the war?

A: With a plan so ingenious, so original, so powerful, that the Union army would concede victory in a manner of days, allowing the gentleman and women of the South to govern themselves as they saw fit, free of the tyranny of Northern oppressors.

In Davis' plan, dubbed, "Operation Last Cavalry," the Confederate Army would create a new brigade, trained and led by masterless samurai, acquired in exchange for graphic photographs of war wounds and 500 barrels of peaches. These men were called "ronin," and were known for their lack of honor and mercenary lifestyle, but Davis called them, "my secret weapon," and would walk out of the room after making his pronouncement, ending all debate on the topic. Once the Confederate army learned the secrets of the samurai, such as their ability to hide in plain sight, their ability to kill foes at 100 paces with a thrown metal star, and the ability to disorient the enemy with smoke bombs, the South would emerge victorious and Davis would be named President and Automatic Pitcher for Life.

Unfortunately, Davis confused ninjas with samurai. He also confused China with Japan. When the boatload of Chinese immigrants arrived, simple farmers unfamiliar with even basic artillery, unable to hide even in the darkest of shadows, their whimpers and shakes and shouts of confusion always giving them away, Davis cancelled his plan and ordered all mentions of it stricken from the official record. Never one to admit defeat, Davis put these new troops to work in new capacity, but "Operation Ancient Chinese Secret," while producing the brightest whites in U.S. military history, achieved little in real results.

Q: What did the troubling aspects of the Watergate scandal include?

A: That the Commutte to Re-Elect the President felt the need to break into the Democratic National Committee headquarters in Washington because of the potential threat of  Democratic nominee George McGovern, a man whose campaign included promises to give Idaho and Arkansas to the Viet Cong, make abortion mandatory for all children conceived via reverse cowgirl position, and require marijuana to be a staple of school lunch.

That the President of the United States conspired with senior White House staff to not only cover up the break -in, but to eventually turn it into an unstoppable trick play for the Washington Redskins.

That a political scandal from the early 70's, centered around the President of the United States, a power-mad  middle-aged white man from California, did not involve any sex. Creepy.

Q: Why did the Egyptians feel like they needed to develop a writing system?

Q: The human memory plays tricks. People tend to dramatize the past, and their role in it, for the sake of a better story. The Egyptians began to notice that the history of their land -  their discoveries in math and astronomy, the heroism of ancient kings, the disagreements that led to agreement and eventual enlightenment - was becoming malleable. Facts would change from story to story, even from sentence to sentence, depending on the speaker.. Fearing that centuries worth of wisdom would be lost, they developed a crude system of symbols which would correspond to words which they all agreed would mean specific things, all in order to preserve their accumulated knowledge for the benefit of their children and their children's children and the children beyond them. With a written language in place, they hoped to prevent future generations from stumbling around the desert wondering what time of year it was, why there were triangles buried in the sand and what animals were more worthy of worship than others.

The ancient Egyptians were fascinating. You can read all about them on my iPad, once I get it back from the Mac store. I dropped it in the toilet.  Until then, let's try and hit that bird with this empty beer can.

Q: How much food did a roman soldier get?

A: Roman soldiers got one turkey leg and half a tomato a day. Now we're talking about the grunts, the guys in the in the front getting their hands dirty, the ones with the swords and the helmets and the chest plates. Those guys. Your Roman brass, though I'm not sure if they were called brass back then, maybe bronze, your Roman bronze, your generals like your Ceasar's and such, and that other guy, what's his name, the farmer who didn't want to fight but was so good at fighting that when Rome was under attack they'd go out to his farm and beg him to come back and lead the army, and he'd do it, and he'd win, because he was wicked good at being a general, and they'd cheer him and throw parades and beg him - and I'm talking down on the hands and knees, crying, pleading real begging with the snot bubbles and everything - I mean beg him to rule them and keep the safe forever, but he'd say NO and go back to his farm ... God, what's his name ... Cincinnatus. That's him. Cincinnatus. He reminds me a lot of me, except that instead of being real good at being a general but not having any interest in it, I feel that way about being a father.

Yeah, your generals like Caesar and Cicinnatus ate better than your grunts. Every day, they got a turkey leg, two tomatoes, and all the horsemeat from the horses died in battle.

So finish your Happy Meal. I don't care if it's cold, you're eating better than Caesar.

Q: What is so great about the Nobel Prizes?

A: For over a century, the Nobel Foundation in Stockholm, Sweden has awarded Nobel prizes in the fields physics, chemistry, medicine, literature and peace. Winning a Nobel Prize signifies that you have reached the pinnacle of your chosen field, and stand among the giants of human thought. In addition to a medal, and a place in history, Nobel winners receive a cash prize of over a million dollars.

Past winners of the Nobel prize include Marie Curie, Ernest Hemingway, Albert Einstein, Erwin Rudolph Joseph Alexander Schroedinger, William Faulkner, Martin Luther King, and Teddy Roosevelt.

Frankly, winning a Nobel Prize is akin to winning Super Bowl MVP, an Oscar and a Congressional Medal of Honor all at the same time. It's the greatest award a human being could possibly win.

And I have one.

So, please, Dad, can I sit at the grown up's table on Thanksgiving?

Q: What type of things were drawn on cave walls?

A: That's an excellent question, Tommy, and that's exactly why we took this field trip, to see some cave drawings with our own eyes and experience what it would have been like to live thousands of years ago, before TV, before movies, before man could even read or write. I can't wait to see what we find. Let's take a look.

Here we have a drawing of a family around the fire, looking up with awe at a man in elaborate dress, perhaps a soothsayer or wise man. And here we see a warrior saving his bride from a mammoth, slaying the beast with   a spear.

It's like stepping into a time machine and traveling back to visit our ancestors. We can see how they ate, how they lived, how they danced and, if you look over here, how they ... oh dear ... how they made love.

Let's move on. Here we have a still life, of some sort of gourd, or maybe a banana, next to a pair of oranges -  okay let's keep moving. Come on everyone! Eyes down! Eyes down!

Stop taking pictures, Tommy!

Hurry along, hurry along.

Okay, this is more like it. A herd of animals. Look at the details, the arc of the horns, the grace of their movement. These drawings are the work of a true artist. We can see the animals, running through the plains, leaping over a stream, running right into the spear of a waiting warrior. I think that's his spear. I hope that's his spear.

Oh, dear.

Move along, class, move along. Kelly, don't look at that!

Run, children, run! Over here, over here!

Oh, here's a nice one. This is magnificent. Look at the scope. Thousands of tribes coming together, walking through the canyon to worship a space ship. A space ship. What the fuck?

I quit. Field trip's over. Bus leaves in five minutes.

Tommy, please stop taking pictures.

Q: What are three theories that explain the origin of language?

A: Theory #1: Early man was telepathic and had no need for spoken language. Early man was also violent and had a great need to beat each other with sticks and rocks and large fish. The beatings resulted in numerous concussions, decreased grey matter and the need for a spoken language. According to this theory, the first words were "Hey, quit it."

Theory #2: Words didn't used to mean things. They were simply a series of sounds used to denote one emotion: joy. Everyone felt joy, all the time, and expressed it constantly. Every word meant "I am joyful," from Joy to Happy to Apoplectic to Shenanigan to Balderdash to Uppity to Ralph. Then the fire-breathing dinosaurs rose from the sea and obliterated 90% of the known world and 100% of the joy. In an effort to reclaim the land humans needed to mount a coordinated offensive. To do that, they needed words that meant things. According to this theory, the first words were, "Ralph will be the decoy."

Theory #3: Life began with one couple, a man and a woman. They didn't need to talk much because they spent all their time making love. Sweet, sweet love. The kind of love that occurs once in a millennium, when a man loves a woman with his whole being, heart and soul together. Then the couple had children, children that grew to be teenagers. Attractive teenagers. Especially the daughter. Soon, the man had a need to keep secrets, thus language was born. According to this theory, the first words were: "Ssshhhh, it's okay."

As you can see, all of these theories are completely ridiculous.  Why don't go back to my place, enjoy a glass/box of wine and come up with a few of our own.

Don't tell your mother.

Q: What is the value of Robert F Kennedy's autograph in profiles of courage book?

A: Probably not as valuable as you'd think. First of all, John F. Kennedy wrote Profiles in Courage, not Robert F. Kennedy.

Second, it's not much of an autograph. It says "Rodly L Kinnn" then stops. And there's all that blood. Asking him for an autograph at the moment of his assassination may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but now it's kind of creepy.

Really, really creepy.

This is the creepiest antique we've ever appraised on Antiques Roadshow. I don't want to see what's in the rest of your bag.

Particularly the part that's moving.

Q: What did the bill of rights devote much of its attention to?

A: Graphic descriptions of attractive waitresses in the Philadelphia area whom James Madison bedded, hoped to bed or dreamed about bedding, along with a great many detailed sketches of  body parts, positions, locations, sandwiches, cuckolded husbands, and enthralled observers.

These sketches proved three things:
1.) Madison fancied married woman.
2.) Madison had little understanding of female anatomy.
3.) Madison considered marble rye highly erotic.                                                                                      

After a lively, eight-minute debate, Madison's bill of rights was soundly rejected by every delegate in attendance, causing Madison to storm out of the hall in a fit of rage, vowing to retire from public service, swearing revenge on every man who had crossed him. After eating a sandwich, and spending an hour alone with Alexander Hamilton's wife , Madison reappeared on the convention floor with his freshly written Bill of Rights, which the delegates quickly ratified.

Years later, Mrs. Hamilton wrote a memoir about the incident, Ham Sandwich on My Knee: The Bizarre and Ultimately Disappointing Love-Making of James Madison. Madison, now President, ordered the book banned and burned. When told that the Bill of Rights prevented him ordering books to be burned, Madison ordered the Bill of Rights burned. When told that he couldn't do that, he ordered a ham sandwich on marble rye, brought to him by Mrs. Alice Wellner, a married waitress from Philadelphia.

Q: What are 5 facts about Robin Hood?

A: 1.) Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the poor, making the poor rich and the rich poor, forcing him to steal from the newly rich, who were once poor, and give to the newly poor, who had been rich until he stole their wealth. Now, the rich were once again rich and the poor once again poor. And the cycle continued.
     2.) Robin Hood spoke with a flat Midwestern accent, which Kevin Costner captured perfectly in the film Tin Cup. To this day, no one can explain his accent in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. 
     3.) Robin Hood was the finest archer of his day. He once hit a target 6 feet wide from a distance of 10 feet, to the amazement of his assembled Merry Men, archery standards being much lower at the time.
     4.) In his late 20's Robin Hood fled civilization to live in Himalayas and study the teachings of the Great Buddha. A fox he found in the woods assumed his identity during his departure. No one ever knew the difference, least of all Maid Marion.
    5.) Robin Hood was the first man to swing into combat on a rope hanging from a chandelier, and the first man to die by swinging into combat on a rope hanging from a chandelier.

Q: What were the arguments against child labor laws during the Progressive era?

A: By preventing children from working long hours for little pay in factories and mines, we leave them no choice but to work as child prostitutes, flooding the market and putting randy gentlemen in the awkward position of having to chose between spending their money on an experienced lady of the evening or taking a chance and hiring a young, clean, naive boy.

There many have been other arguments against child labor laws, but none better.

Q: When did the US officially get its National Anthem?

A: In the midst of the Great Depression, President Herbert Hoover attempted to lift the spirits of the nation by reminding them of a time when we lost battles, suffered defeat and wrote terrible poetry.

Q: What national park has the highest suicide rate?

A: Black Canyon of the Gunnison in Colorado, beating out the Badlands of South Dakota by a nose.


The nose in question belonged to a morbidly obese lad of 19 who, no doubt depressed at the thought of spending his life alone and unloved, shot himself with a 12 gauge shotgun on the edge of the Badlands. The bullet tore his skull apart and sent his nose flying 34 feet into the parking lot. As such, the suicide is not considered to have taken place inside the park, giving Black Canyon the win!


Better luck next year, Badlands. 

Q: Where did Roosevelt introduce the Good Neighbor Policy?

A: In his hometown of New York, New York, one day after he spent six hours dodging traffic on 5th Avenue while over two thousand onlookers laughed and pointed, instead of helping him steer his wheelchair to safety.

Q: Who illustrated the human body systems?

A: Many have tried. Most have failed. None have succeeded like I have.

Feast your eyes on these, my glorious illustrations!

Don't they capture the wonderful symmetry, the pure beauty, the enchanting essence of the human form?

I'm really bad at drawing feet. I don't think it's much of a stretch to say that roller skates are part of the typical human body system.

I've never seen a naked women up close, so I had to use my imagination to fill in some of the blanks. It has been brought to my attention that there are less teeth in that particular area of the female anatomy.

Far less.

None to be exact.

As I said, I can't be sure personally, and I choose to stand by my work.

You must give me credit for daring and creativity.

And patience. Sketching, while hiding in a tree, and holding binoculars is much harder than it looks.

Q: What changes did the post - World War 1 years bring for workers?

A: Thanks to the influx of broken, battle scarred men fresh from the front lines, the weak, unskilled workers of America, too feeble to serve in the military, suddenly found themselves employable. Nearly every non-war veteran,  even the grossly unqualified, were able to get better jobs, with higher pay, then ever before, thanks to the fact that they had all their limbs, were not horribly disfigured or crippled by shrapnel or mustard gas, and did not break into tears at the sound of a door slamming.