Q: Does credit union verify funds on a check via phone?

A: As a high end retailer of sharks, barracudas, mer-men and other dangerous and exotic creatures of the sea, we must protect ourselves from entering into an agreement with unsavory individuals who might want to use these creatures for non-ornamental reasons, or who simply might not be able to afford the cost of the care and maintenance. While most people would love to own a killer shark or a an army of piranhas, not everyone can.

Should these beautiful creatures be misused in any way, in the staging of elaborate undersea heists, plots for world domination, that sort of thing, or merely abandoned, set loose in a public swimming pool once their owner starts getting his bills from the remote tribes who sold him villagers for food, the blame will not fall on the customer, I can assure you. No, the blame will fall on the good people of Poseidon Specialties.

To protect the company, employees must follow a few safeguards. We can't just hand one of our prized beasts over to everyone who wanders in off the street. No, first we assess the customer and answer a checklist of questions we memorized during training.

Questions like: Is the customer attempting to pay by check? Has the customer repeatedly asked about our check verification process? Is the customer's check written on a slice of pizza? Are there three or more  words misspelled on the pizza-check?  Has the customer asked which animal will best dispose of a dead body? Has the customer mentioned revenge as a motive for his interest in one of our creatures? Is the customer covered in blood? Does the blood appear to belong to someone else? Is the customer crying? Has the customer mentioned his experience making chum from scratch? Has the customer ended any statements with a sinister laugh? Has the customer inquired about our return policy? And so on. You get the picture.

A "Yes" to three or more of these questions, and I cannot make the sale.  Five or more and I'm required to call the police. Eight or more and I press this button here, opening the trap door beneath your feet, sending you into the Great White Shark Tank.

You're a "Yes" to fourteen questions.

Fourteen.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. I never read that far in the employee handbook.

Q: What is the main difference between the public and private sectors?

A: In the public sector a certain amount of transparency is required. How you get your money, where it goes, how you make hiring decisions, whether or not you obey laws, who you've punched in the face or sexually harassed - the general public expects to know these things. All that openness and honesty, let's face it, is exhausting. In the public sector you can't even sideswipe a school bus without everyone demanding an apology. Don't even get me started on hiding dead bodies.

In the private sector all that matters is the bottom line. Make enough money to keep the stockholders happy and you can do anything in your personal life. No one will care. Make enough money so the stockholders can retire at 42 and buy their own sports franchise or Third World army and you can do anything, publicly, and no one's going to lift a finger. Sure some idealistic reporter might think they can make their name with a big expose, but those never last. Idealistic young reporters disappear every day. No one seems to mind.

So, do you really want to use those wonderful powers - flight, super-strength, super-hearing, invulnerability - that our sun gives you, to work in the public sector as a champion of the people, the same people who will turn on you in one hot second if you happen to accidentally drop a bullet train on an old folks home, or impregnate a county full of lonely cheerleaders, or do you want to come work in the private sector, where you'll be defending people who really need protection - our nation's millionaire industrialists? Did I mention that you'll be able to get away with murder? Literally? We do a lot of overseas contracting. Don't pretend you haven't thought about how many ways you could dismember someone with your heat vision.

So, what's it going to be? Are you ready to join the winning team?

I knew you'd make the right decision, Clark. You're going to enjoy your new life as Exxon Mobil Man.

Q: What are assets when applying for a loan?

A: Items of value that you own, which the bank can take should you fail to honor your agreement.

For something to be considered an asset, it must have actual value and be something you actually own.

The players on your Fantasy Football team are not assets. I understand that you are league champion for three years running, and the roster has great sentimental value, but you do not own any of these players. They don't work for you, they are not under contract to you, they don't report to you, they don't even know you exist.

Oh, dear.

Sir, if you could compose yourself.

Would you like a tissue? Do you need a moment?

I assumed you were aware of the true nature of fantasy sports. The word "fantasy" right there, at the start, might have been a hint. Fantasy, as in "not real," as in "imagined." Fantasy. In a pretend world that exists only in your head, you control the lives of these players. They play for real teams who pay them real money in a real stadium full of real people. You have nothing to do with any of that.

Please, sir, I have no interest in seeing printouts of your league statistics. Yes, I see that you have won many games. And if you could buy a house with nothing but good will and pats on the back from co-workers and "Attaboys," then you would absolutely qualify for a loan.

However, houses cost money, real money, of which you have none. All you have is a sheet after sheet of paper full of imaginary numbers with no correlation to real life. Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself for wasting my time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some calls to make. The market tumbled unexpectedly today and my stock portfolio took quite a hit. I need to get my broker on the phone and figure out what's going on.

Q: Is it better if a husband and wife both apply for a vehicle loan or?

A: Or what?

Or what?

What do you mean to say? Or, "is it better if the wife were to ... disappear, leaving the husband free to go about his life without having to deal with the cursed tyranny of marriage?"

Is that what you're trying to say? Do you want me to murder your wife? Or have someone murder your wife? I know people, as you must know, otherwise you wouldn't have come to me, made such a suggestion.  I can have something like that arranged, if that is what you want.

Is that what you want?

Blink once for yes, twice for no.

That was eight blinks. That was no help.

Are you even listening?

I don't understand your code. The seizing up and falling to the floor makes it seem like you are saying "Yes," but what does the sudden, extreme paleness mean? And why are you clutching your left arm? Am I to bill you for this service? That's not how these things work.

I can't understand a word you're saying. You're going to have to speak more clearly and without so much spittle. Those grunts are barely decipherable. Now you're just being insulting.

Listen, if this is some kind of game to you, I am not enjoying it. I am a busy man and I don't have time for your silly little shows. If you want your wife dead, send me a letter. If you want a loan, you can come back tomorrow and fill out the paperwork. If you'll excuse me, I have to go to my son's soccer game.

You're going to have to get off the floor. You can't sleep here.

Sir, get up. Get. Up.

My patience has worn thin.

Q: What happens when your home gets auctioned?

A: Follow these simple steps:

1.) Build a time machine.

2.) Travel back in time.

3.) Choreograph a show-stopping dance number using all your eccentric neighbors and relatives.

4.) Win the Tri-State Talent Show.

5.) Use the prize money to pay off the back taxes and save your home from those selfish yuppies. .

But, before you do all that, you have to do one little thing:

Leave. Immediately.

The yuppies are moving in today and they don't want their children infected by your sadness.