Q: What Are The Top Ten Things To Stress Out Teens?

A: When I feel helpless and hopeless after a long day of clock watching and pretending to work at my awful job, stressing out teens gives me a chance to regain a feeling of power. I may not be able to control my own life, but I can briefly control the anxiety of a teen. On most days that's enough. On the rest, there's alcohol.

You can:

 - Steal their girlfriend with the promise of alcohol, which as an adult, you can legally purchase.

 - Pretend to be a big-time college football scout. Call their home. Eat dinner with the family. Imply that his parents have a loveless marriage. Watch highlight videos. Ask if you can get any tape on Mom. Go to the big game. Spend the whole game chatting up his mother. After the game, when he asks how he played, shake your head and say "Can't say. I'm more of soccer guy."

 - Set their house on fire. (Note: This technique will stress out anyone, not only teens.)

 - Pose as their school's guidance counselor. Meet with students individually and ask about their masturbation habits. At first, they will be reluctant to discuss masturbation, but you will soon win their trust, thanks to your scholarly beard and tweed jacket. (Note: Grow beard and don jacket before attempting ruse.) Once they've confided their masturbation habits and frequency, cross your arms, stroke your beard, peer over your glasses and say, "That's all fine, but are you doing it correctly?" Immediately leave the room.

 - Find a victim of cyber-bullying, put your arm around him or her and whisper, "It's okay. These are the easiest days of your life. It gets much, much worse."

 - Hand them a two page block of text without pictures or graphics. Tell them you will give them $10,000 if they can read to the end without sweating or crying.

 - When you see a small group leaving a movie on a Friday night, laughing and joking and quoting their favorite lines, run them down with your car.

 - While wearing dark glasses and using a cane to walk, as a blind person would do, approach a boy in the video game section of Best Buy and him that you are him from the future and you've traveled back in time to undo a life of horrible decisions. Mumble "If only we had know the truth about Facebook."

 - When the cashier at Burger King asks what kind of drink you'd like, say "Whichever one will melt a corpse the quickest."

 - Make eye contact, speak slowly and ask them questions about their day.

I could go on. There are 73 ways to stress out a teen, but you asked for ten. Ten is what you get.

Q: What two things make microwaves more dangerous?

A: Microwaves are death traps. If the door is broken, they can cause radiation poisoning. If you put metal in them, they will explode. They can turn any food into a weapon. To make them more dangerous you'd have to replace the handle with a piece of razor sharp steel, or replace the window with a laser that causes blindness. Only a fool would do that.

On an unrelated note, would you have any interest in buying a microwave? I don't use it any more, but it works great. Trust me.

I'd look you in the eye if I could, but the doctors say I have to keep them bandaged for another month. Let's shake on it. Don't be alarmed by my prosthetic fingers.