Q: How was life like in the great depression?

A: It was wonderful. A non-stop party.

The era was named ironically, to throw off potential Viking invaders.

Q: Can you give me a sentence with the word reputation in it?

A: Your condescending questions will surely damage your reputation as "Not-An-Asshole."

Q: How old do you have to be to drive tractor on a farm?

A: On my farm, you have to be 13.

And you have to have arms. Both arms.

I told you to respect the thresher. But did you listen?

No. No, you did not.

Q: How do you design a high school course?

A: I think of all the ideals our young people should have.

Then I find the most tenuous connections between these ideals the film Forrest Gump.

Then I put a DVD of Forrest Gump in the DVD Player.

Then I press play.

That's half a semester right there.

I'm still thinking about what to do after mid-terms.

I think there's a lot they can learn from Tango & Cash.

Q: Can you deal with infidelity in your relationship?

A: You sure can. The best way to deal with infidelity is to keep it totally secret. Create a fake identity and only have sex with strangers in town on business. Buy a prepaid cell phone. Always pay cash. It's the little things like that that will help you hide your infidelities for decades.

Oh. I see. You're not the perpetrator of then infidelity. You're the victim.

Have you tired dressing a little nicer? And not crying so much?

You have?

Then I got nothing.

Wait. You could sleep with me. That would show him, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it?

And here come the tears again.