Q: Do you ever ask how old a woman is?

A: All the time. That's usually the first question I ask.

Then I ask what state we are in.

Then I turn the outer circle on my Age of Consent wheel, matching up the state with their age. If I see a green dot, I know she's legal!

Then I ask if she wants to be in a movie.

Then I ask if she likes wine coolers.

Q: Why won't my painted surface dry?

A: You are crying. You are experiencing what we humans call sadness. That's why your mascara is running.

I know you had big plans. You figured if you put on enough makeup, picked out the right wig and wore a pretty dress, you could pass for a human girl, win the heart of Steve Dexter and become prom queen.

I'm sorry that Steve turn and ran as soon as he saw you. That wasn't right. He didn't have to throw that drink in your face. He didn't have to spray you with the fire house. I think he might have overreacted.

But, can you really blame him?

You can slather on all the rouge and mascara and lipstick in the world, but you'll still be an alien, from the deepest reaches of space. And everyone will always know. There's not enough makeup in the world to make that purple, blistered, rocky skin of yours look human.

Even if you could pass, even if there was enough makeup, your behavior would still give you away. Human girls don't eat basketballs. Human don't drink motor oil. Human girls can't stick to walls. Human girls don't have highly acidic saliva.

You're better than those human girls in so many ways. Steve Dexter doesn't know what he's missing. Now let's get back in there and show those stuck up rich kids how to party!

Q: How do you count vanilla?

A:  How do I what?

How do I what?

Don't just stand there, on my threshold, shaking like a leaf, muttering to yourself like an idiot. You came here for a reason. You came here to ask a question.

How do I what?

How I do I feel about my brother's success? His glorious success? His ascension to the top of the children's cereal market? That's what you want to know isn't it? That's what all you reporters want to know. That's all you ever want to know. You're all the same.

You need a story and you do a little research and you find out that Count Chocula has a brother, a brother who also created a cereal, a cereal that never caught on, a cereal that never made it. You ask yourself, "What kind of fool would risk his life savings on a vanilla flavored cereal for children?" You have to know. You have to find out. You think you have a story.

But you didn't ask around. You found out where I live and you stopped there. You didn't bother to find out anything about me. You didn't bother to learn that I was eight feet tall. You didn't bother to learn that I was an albino. You didn't bother to learn that I had a second head, growing out of my neck.

Not so interested in writing a story about me now, are you? Now you're more interested in running away and hiding and trying to forget all about me.

You reporters are all the same.

Can't a giant, albino monster create his children's cereal in peace?

Q: How does a container that has rice in it and is sealed shut make a noise when you shake it?

A: Batman and Robin are probably struggling to breath. There's some air in there, with all that rice.

Good question.

You ask him. I'm not going to ask him.

Okay, shoot for it. One, two, three, shoot.

Fine, I'll ask him.

Boss?

Hey, boss, why didn't you just shoot them or strangle them or stab them before you tossed them in that giant rice silo?

Oh, I guess that makes sense. No one would know it was The Rice Master who killed Batman and Robin if you just shot them. That's why I'm just the henchmen and you're the supervillain.

Hey, boss, one last thing. Why The Rice Master? I mean, you're not even Asian. You're just jaundiced and need glasses. I probably shouldn't be saying this, but have you ever considered how offensive your name and costume would be to actual Asians?

Yeah, I guess you're right. People off all countries do enjoy rice. Asians don't have any more right to it than anyone else. I didn't mean anything by it. The boys and I have been talking and we always wondered, you know?

Thanks, boss.

Hey, that noise stopped. That must mean Batman and Robin are dead.

Wait, I heard something. It sounded like "Kapow!" Did you hear it?

There's another one. It sounded like "Whamm!"

Hey, where did everybody go?

Q: What songs will make a girl smile and make her realize we shouldn't be fighting?

A: "Got Your Money" by Ol' Dirty Bastard featuring Kelis.

You'll laugh and she'll laugh and she'll realize how silly she's being and how good she has it with you she'll hand over the money. Then she'll give you a hug, and a kiss on the cheek, and, if she has time, maybe a quickie behind the dumpster.

Of course, you should only play this song if she actually has your money.

If she doesn't, or you think she's holding out on you, you should probably keep fighting. How else is she going to learn? She's been on that corner for four hours, she's gotta have some money.