Q: What materials are good for pipes?

A: Fruits. Vegetables. Tissue paper. Tiny pieces of cracker. Really anything small and soft and that will decompose and sluice through drains would be fine.

You know what's not good for pipes: chunks of dead hooker. Hundreds of bloody, messy chunks. All that bone and hair, that's gonna ruin your pipes and mess up your plumbing all over the house. But, I don't need to tell you that, you found that one out for yourself.

I don't know which is more appalling, that you murdered all these women, or that you were too lazy to chop them into smaller pieces. Did you really think you could flush an entire leg down the toilet? Or wash a head down the drain in the shower? Are you crazy or something?

Don't answer that question. I don't want to know. I'm here to fix your pipes, not write your biography.

Q: Who are the next two people to take over if the president should die?

A: If anything should happen to the President and he is unable to fulfill the duties of his office, one person would take over. One, not two.

One.

That one person would be the Vice President of the United States.

That one person would be you, Mr. Biden.

I assumed that was explained to you during the transition, or during the election, or you had stumbled across that information at some point during your twenty plus years in the Senate.

If anything happens to the President, then you become the President. You get to sit in the Oval Office, you get to make the decisions, you get the nuclear codes. Everything rests on your shoulders.

I'm going to need you to pull yourself together, sir. Please stop crying. Everything is going to be okay. The President is young and fit - nothing is going to happen to him.

If anything does happen to him, you'll have tons of support - all your friends will be there, we'll help you with your speeches and meetings, we'll show you around the White House so you don't get locked in the closet again, and, you can eat all the ice cream you want, all day long. You can even have ice cream for breakfast!

Doesn't that sound fun?

Wonderful. Now go to bed and get a good night's sleep.  You have a big day of gaffes tomorrow and you'll need your rest.

Q: What do you call a get together for the bride to be for the second marriage?

A: We're still deciding. We're having a banner made for Jen' party and we don't know what it should say.

"Happy Bachelorette Party!" seems a little trite.

"Happy Bachelorette Party 2.0, This Time It's Forever!" might sound like we're mocking her.

Trudy suggested we call it a  "Celebration of Love / Self Defense Seminar," but we really want to avoid any mention of her previous marriage. But, we will give her some coupons for self-defense classes, just in case. Her new fiance seems like a nice guy, but you can never can be too careful. Jen does have a certain type.

I like "Half Of All Marriage End In Divorce - Statistically Speaking, This One is Bound to Succeed!" but I was overruled. People don't like to mix math with their parties.

"Happy Weekend Obligation to Support Our Insecure Friend!" really hits the nail on the head, but I worry it might really upset Jen, due to her painful insecurities. She's pretty needy. I mean, she just met this guy three months ago and they're already getting married. She's been divorced less than a year. I haven't even had a boyfriend in four years. Would it kill her to be alone for a bit?

You know what? We're going to keep it simple and call it a Bachelorette Party. I'll have the banner say, "Happy Bachelorette Party, Jen!"

I'll order two banners. I have a feeling we'll need another one next year.