Q: What are some good books to read before taking the acceleration test?

A: When it comes to test preparation, there's only one book you'll need:

The Bible.

It's thick enough to hold several cheat sheets. 

Q: When did hades get a three headed dog?

A: He's always been a long, sir.We've kind of lost count. It's hard to keep track of time down here. You ought to know better than anyone how long he's been here, sir. He is your dog.

Yup, you asked for him and everything. Made a bit of scene if I recall.

We all thought it odd that you would want a giant three-headed dog to guard the underworld, ever patrolling the shores of the River Styx to prevent all souls from returning to the land of man. That seemed like a lot of work for a dog. A lot of long, lonely hours. We tried to talk you out of it. We suggested a titan or a basilisk or a minotaur, something that wouldn't require so much care and attention. But you insisted on a puppy, even though we all knew you'd get bored after a few years and forget all about him. Since you kind of run things around here, we got you your damn dog.

And you haven't fed it once. Or taken it for a walk, or played catch with it, or anything. Do you have any idea how much work it takes to care for a three headed hell hound? We've been out there for centuries, chopping up pedophiles and cat jugglers, using their bodies for food and their heads for sport - he likes when we shoot the heads in the air with a catapult. He tries to see how many he can catch at once. His record is six. We do it all so he feels loved, so he doesn't think that his master doesn't love him anymore. But his master never loved him at all.

I hate to be the one to say "I told you so," because I know you'll banish me to some mountain where I'll be tied to a tree and have my eyes regrow every morning so birds can pluck them out at night. But know that I am thinking it. Already you probably already know that. I think. Sometimes I'm not quite sure where your powers begin and end; the available literature on the subject often contradicts.

We named your dog Cerberus by the way. We weren't about to let you name him, not after the debacle of naming the River. Thank Zeus we were able to talk you out of calling it the River Kansas.

Q: Is media is a source of morality?

A: The media provides entertainment, in the form of scantily clad women, posing as doctors or lawyers or teachers, who solve crimes or heal the sick or teach kids to be who they are, as long as the"who" in question are attractrive twenty-somethings with great teeth and great hair, or slightly overweight girls with glasses who would be the hottest chick in 9 out of 10 high schools, because of their great hair and teeth.

The media also provides news, with the help of attractive men with great hair and teeth and some of the most gorgeous women in world, also with great hair and great teeth.

As you can see, TV is in the business of entertainment and education, not in the business of sending messages.

If you want a source for morality, all you need is a little book I like to call The Bible!

The exclamation point is part of the title. I added it when I rewrote the book. I kept the stories the same, for the most part, aside from a few minor changes: Instead of a pillar of salt, Lot's wife turns into a supermodel. Instead of losing everything he owns and everyone he loves and having his body covered with painful sores, Job stubs his toe, and loses the 3rd disc of The Wire, season 4. Instead of dying on the cross for the sins of man, Jesus frees himself, snaps the cross in half and and beats the holy Hell out of Judas, Pontius Pilate and all the Romans. Except, instead of "Hell," I  call it "Jesus and Dad Steamy Underground Workshop For Meanies." Stuff like that.

I also added a bunch of pictures, mostly of TV leading ladies stars and female sportscasters. When you spend eight years of your life writing a book, you damned sure want someone to read it.

Q: Where can you find a voodoo specialist in your area?

A: Why would you assume there's a voodoo specialist in my area?

Lots of neighborhoods are littered with chicken bones. Mine is not the only one. I'm sure if you drove around town and opened your eyes, I mean really opened them, and looked around, you would see chicken bones everywhere, and streets covered with bizarre symbols drawn in chalk, and stupefied people with ashen skin shuffling through the streets like zombies. Those sites are not exclusive to my front door.

Those? Those are my collection of pin cushions. I'm a bit obsessed, I must admit. I love pin cushions. It just so happens that many of the pin cushions in my collection are human shaped, and appear to resemble some of my neighbors - certain thoughtless people who throw loud parties during the weekday, block my driveway with their luxury SUVs, listen to modern popular music at deafening levels or subscribe to The New Yorker - some of whom have recently suffered spontaneous broken legs or arms, or become overwhelmed with a sudden bring sensation, as if they have been placed in an oven. I can assure you any similarities between the pin cushions are my neighbors are purely coincidental.

I'm sorry I can't be more help, Officer. I hope you find this voodoo specialist who has been, as you put it, "terrorizing" the neighborhood. I'll keep my eyes open and let you know if I see anything.

Could you leave me a business card, so I can contact you if I have any information?

Great.

And could I trouble you for a lock of your beautiful hair?

Q: Where does the most people die in floods?

A: Most people die under the water, by drowning or being crushed by debris.

You are not most people. Somehow you found a way to die over the water. In a tree. Of joy.

In all my years guarding the gates of Heaven, I've never heard of someone dying of joy during a flood that killed hundreds of people. What made you so happy?

Oh.

I see.

On second thought, Heaven might not be the best fit for you. Here's some information on Hell. Now, you don't have a reservation down there, but you shouldn't have a problem getting in. Just tell them the same story you told me about watching all those children drown. You might want to tell it with a little less glee, just to be safe.

Q: Do Jehovah's Witnesses baptize children?

A: No, but we do, on occasion, bathe them. We like to make sure that the children we  indoctrinate into our religion are, in fact, children, and not old Cabbage Patch Dolls covered in soot and passed off as overly shy babies.

Fool us forty-three times, shame on you. Fool us forty-four times, shame on us.

Q: What does that mean if a guy is holding hands with his girlfriend but keeps looking at you until you look back?

A: He's waiting for you to pronounce them man and wife.

You should probably say something.

They've been standing there a while.

They're not going to magically disappear if you ignore them.

Staying still won't help. These are human beings, not T-Rexes.

This is why I don't like you taking mushrooms before work.

It's one thing before a mass, when no one's really paying attention, but people care about weddings.

Q: Who is the patron saint of socializing?

A: You can't have a party without St. Ides, the patron saint of socializing.

Whenever I crack open an ice-cold 40-ounce bottle of St. Ides and take a few sips, I find myself making all kinds of friends, from all walks of life, in no time flat.

With St. Ides on my side, everybody is my friend: sailors, dancers, bouncers, drug dealers, ATMs, cops, pink scorpions that live in my shoes, streetlights, tin cans - I'm never alone when St. Ides is around.

When St, Ides goes away, leaving me all alone, in the gutter, covered in my won filth, I don't remember anything about my new friends. I couldn't tell you one thing about them. Which means I get to go out again and meet them all again.

Everybody's a new friend when you're living life like St. Ides!

Q: Why does god write down your behavior?

A: God loves for everyone to think that he is all powerful and all knowing, but he can be as absent minded and forgetful as the rest of us. He finds it helps to make lists and notes every now and then.  He keeps it all in this book, so we can refer to it when individuals arrive at the gates of heaven.

Now, let's take a look at what the big guy wrote about you.

I see a number of impure thoughts ... Selfish actions ... Infidelity ... Chronic tardiness ... Parking tickets ... Hit a drifter and kept driving ... Made little girl cry ... Fan of Forrest Gump ... Minor embezzlement ...

Well, there's nothing here that seems out of the ordinary. We are all human, after all, and God understands that. I think you'll enjoy things up here, we recently opened a new spa -

- Oh

There seems to be a second page.

Oh my.

Maybe I can't read the handwriting here, but did you happen to, at the age of 34, punch a baby? In the face? Then defend yourself by screaming "Jesus already paid for it"?

So, I didn't misread.

Wow.

I don't even know what to say. I'm speechless, and I'm the guy who processed Pol Pot.

Wow.

After careful consideration, I know just the place for you. Take that elevator, and you'll be there in a jiffy. If you get lost, follow the screams of the damned.

Thanks for stopping by.

Say "hi" to Pol.

Q: Is there a thorn today from the crone of thorns that Jesus wore?

A: There might very well be. As hard as it might be to believe, there's a chance that a thorn, a tiny little thorn, worn by a man, who may or may not have existed, thousands of years ago, might survive to this day. Highly unlikely, sure, but possible. Stranger things  have happened. A thorn from the crown of thorns could exist.

What you have in your hand, however, is not one of those thorns.

I'm pretty sure a thorn from the crown of thorns would be an actual thorn, probably from a bush. Or a rose.

It would not be a thumbtack.

What you have looks suspiciously like a thumbtack.

A thumbtack that has been covered in red paint.

Yup, that's a thumb tack all right.

A thumb tack from Staples.

There's still a price tag on it.

I highly doubt the crown of thorns worn by Jesus Christ was made entirely of Staples thumbtacks. You'd think they would have mentioned that in the Bible.

You'd think Staples would mention that today, by holding a "He Died for Our Sins Sale," or a "Jesus Paid the Price, so you Don't Have to Sale." Something like that.

Q: Is broken colored glass good luck?

A: Not for that church you just vandalized.

Nor for you, your loved ones, your friends, and your family, for generations to come.

When you threw that rock, you angered Jesus.

You won't like Jesus when he's angry.

He holds a grudge, and he's coming after you.

He's been watching a lot of UFC, so he knows all kinds of new chokes and kicks.

I would advise you to start running, but that advise is largely useless.

Jesus is also super fast.

Don't bother praying. He doesn't answer prayers. You're thinking of his father.

Q: Is Anna a saint?

A: Is that what she's been telling you?

Is that why you have been leaving those sandwiches outside her house every day?

Is that why you have been giving her your allowance every week?

Is that why you have been carrying those signs that say "St. Anna needs your help" outside her store?

Anna is not a saint. She is a drug dealer. Specifically, a pharmacist, licensed by the state of California to dispense medicinal marijuana.

She's not a saint.

She has been lying to you.

Anna's manipulating you because she can't handle the competition. I have better product, in more varieties, at better prices. She'll be out of business soon and she knows it.

She's desperate, and will do anything to survive.

I never saw this one coming. I give her credit. I never thought she'd turn my own brother against me. I thought you were hooking up with her. I didn't know you were convinced she was a saint.

Those signs should have been a hint. And all that self flagellation. And that mural you made.

I just thought she was good in bed.

Saints usually don't ask you to kill people, just so you know. That goes against the whole concept of saintliness.

It's obviously too late now, but, in the future, when a "saint" asks you to stab someone, someone like your own brother, you should stop and ask yourself "Is this something a saint would do? Am I being misled? Can I trust this person?"

Make sure you ask yourself those questions before you commence stabbing, and not after, not once you've called the saint on the phone and she laughs at you.

Q: How many times does it mention in the bible God loves you?

A: Hundreds of times.

On every page.

In big, bold, red letters.

Big, bold, red,  handwritten letters. Handwritten in crayon.

Probably by my grandmother.

And sure, there are some typos. That's to be expected. She was very old. And troubled.

For instance, sometimes instead of "God," she writes "Doug." Doug was her husbands name.

And instead of "loves," she writes "hates."

And instead of "you," she writes "Jews."

But the message is still pretty clear. God loves me. And my grandmother wants me to know.

Why else would she write the inscription "There are many lessons in here. Learn them. Save yourself"?

And why else would she give me this Bible on her death bed, and say "I want you to have this. You are my favorite grandson. Only you can carry on our work"?

And why else would she leave me her most prized possession, her VHS copy of Schindler's List, or as she called it, "The most inspirational movie in the world. As long as you ignore the third act"?

Q: Can you work with this diploma cornerstone christian correspondence school?

A: I can do so much with it!

I can make it into a paper plane. Or crumple it into a ball and start a paper fight. Or I can wave it like a white flag to announce my surrender. I can even use it to write down notes, like grocery lists or ideas for faith-based sitcoms.

Oh, here's one - Jesus Christ and his Amazing Jew Crew. Jesus and his wacky gang of merry pranksters travel the countryside, solving crimes, righting wrongs and evicting the money changers from the temple, all the while trying to stay one step ahead of that dastardly Pontius Pilate and his Keystone Centurions.

So, as you can see I can do many things with my Christian correspondence diploma.

One thing I can not do is find a job. It turns out I probably should have gone to a normal high school like everyone else in town. Maybe then I wouldn't have to sell plasma to pay for food.

Thanks again, Dad.

Q: How did the wise men learn of Jesus' birth?

A: The three wise men were the first private investigators in recorded history. They found out about the birth of the son of God through old-fashioned detective work, by searching for clues with a magnifying glass, roughing up suspects, paying off informants and observing human behavior. With their work completed, they set off on a series of hilarious misadventures.

After months spent wandering the desert, they received a message from their niece, Penny, who heard about the birth of Jesus from a friend and knew of his whereabouts. She also suggested they deliver gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh, instead of their original choices: lint, bandanas and coupons for back rubs.

Q: Who grants one person all the power over people?

A: Only God can grant that power, as outlined in his book, The Bible.

He's pretty clear about who has that power, a guy named Jesus.

You'll notice that my son is also named Jesus.

Coincidence? Probably not.

You should listen to what my Jesus says.

Unlike that wimp in the bible, this Jesus does not fight by turning the other cheek and bleeding all over the place.

He fights with the power of Kung Fu.

So, when he says you should give me your house and have your daughters service me at my whim, you better do what he says.

Did I mention the Kung Fu?

Oh? I did? Well, then. You have been warned.

Jesus, attack!

Use the Kung Fu!

Look out!

Don't just bleed all over him.

Damn.

Damn.

Stop crying, Jesus. It wasn't that bad.

And you, I bet you feel like a big man, beating up an 8 year old.

Way to go, big shot.

Don't bow. This applause is sarcastic.

Q: How do you make a Christmas greeting card?

A: I take a child's birthday card, often right out of a child's hand.

I cross out all the crap about birthdays and numbers and balloons and Garfield.

I draw a picture of Jesus on the front, with a huge smile on his face, and a giant candy cane in his hand.

On the inside I write: "Thousands of years ago, Jesus was brutally murdered by Romans because of his beliefs. Today you get presents. Congratulations!"

I hand the card back to the child.

It's at this point that I am usually asked to leave.

Q:How long is a ham good if left unrefrigerated?

A: Ham stays good forever. It's not like an entire religion was based on the fact that pork will go bad and kill you.

Q: Is smoking good christian practice?

A: We're starting this fire to burn witches and heretics, not smoke them.

We are trying to kill them.

We are not trying to add flavor.

Q: How did Hitler treat children and women?

A: The same way he treated men; based solely on which section of The Bible they believed to be true.