Q: How do you make a Christmas greeting card?

A: I take a child's birthday card, often right out of a child's hand.

I cross out all the crap about birthdays and numbers and balloons and Garfield.

I draw a picture of Jesus on the front, with a huge smile on his face, and a giant candy cane in his hand.

On the inside I write: "Thousands of years ago, Jesus was brutally murdered by Romans because of his beliefs. Today you get presents. Congratulations!"

I hand the card back to the child.

It's at this point that I am usually asked to leave.

Q: What are the Kroger opening hours on Christmas Day?

A: They're open all day!

Huh, it's locked. That's odd.

Good thing they gave me this key.

On Christmas Day, Kroger hands out tire irons as keys. It's a tradition.

One good swing ... There we go.

That's candy glass, son. All part of the tradition.

That's not an alarm. It's a heavenly choir. They're singing a new song, one you are unfamiliar with.

Now, I have some buddies on the police force and I know they love to do all their shopping at the last minute. Let's get out of here before they get here.

They're usually grumpy, having to work on Christmas and all.

We'll just grab a few things that Mom forgot to buy for Christmas.

Like ham.

And eggnog

And whiskey.

And large bags of cash.

Q: Why is National Lampoon's 'Christmas Vacation' rated PG-13?

A: Children should never be exposed to the comedy stylings of Randy Quaid.

They mightt laugh and enjoy themselves now, but soon they will find  find themselves at the mercy Hollywood Star Whackers.

Q: What is Santa Claus called in Brazil and where do children in Brazil hang their socks?

A: The children of Brazil do not have a Santa Claus. Or socks.

All they have is poverty and death and violence and an incredibly colorful, kinetic lifestyle set to an rocking soundtrack.

I know. I watched City of God.

Q: How does Santa fit through the chimney?

A: Most of Santa's belly consists of water weight, caused by a lifetime of heavy drinking.

He can control the size and shape of his belly by simply releasing a little water from his system.

That's why so many icicles form on the roofs of house of all the good little boys and girls.

And that's why the icicles smell like scotch.