Q: Where are the blow holes located?

A: This is your first time doing this sort of thing, isn't it?

I can tell. You seem a bit nervous. And overdressed.

First thing: relax. Take a deep breath. You're going to have a good time.

You'll find the holes in the men's room. Pick a stall. Can't miss them. You'll know them when you see them.

One more thing: they're called Glory Holes.

Knock yourself out.

Q; How to summarize the short story apples from the desert?

A: Start with the apples. Describe their color, their texture, how they taste. Now, the desert. Make them feel the heat, the sand, the dryness. Talk about the girl in the story - every story has a girl, all the good ones.

Remember to talk slowly, really space out your words. If said properly, the phrase "The blistering sun," could take up a a good twelve seconds of your presentation. Don't be afraid of silence. It's the most important tool of every great storyteller. And what is a book report, really, but a story about a story?

If you speak slowly enough, take enough pauses, describe the apples and the desert in enough detail, stopping every now and then for a drink of water, you should be able to kill enough time to be saved by the bell, giving you an extra night to actually read the story.

Or, you could read it right now, on the bus. But then you wouldn't have time to sniff this rag soaked in paint thinner. When you're on your death bed, when you look back on your years in middle school, are you really going to wish that you spent more time studying, or more time huffing?

Q: What is the following limit on twitter?

A: You can follow as many people as you like, for as long as you care, with any computer, smartphone, tablet or wireless device you choose.

As long as you only follow them on the internet, from the comfort of your own home.

Once you start following people in person - in groceries stores, shopping malls, comic-book conventions, at youth-league soccer games, up the stairs of their home as they flee, as they throw lamps and vases and tables and pets behind them to slow your pursuit - you are no longer engaging in a "free wheeling exchange of ideas," you are engaging in stalking.

We have laws against that. Not pretend, internet laws that result in "Unfollows" and "Defriending," but real, enforceable laws that result in arrest and incarceration.

So I'm going to need you to step away from the door, drop your iPad, put your hands behind your head and face the wall.

Yes, I do have a twitter feed. You can follow me at @ItchyTriggerFinger. Would you like to guess why I use that name? I'll give you a hint: it's not rash related.

Q: Is it bad to have really long hair in the army?

A: If there's one thing the Army loves, it's long, lustrous hair. That, and personal expression. We feel that every soldier should have two basic rights:
               
                   1.) The right to express their personality in any way they see fit.
                   2.) The right to proudly display their glorious, flowing locks of hair.

What would cripple the morale of an opposing army faster,  an overwhelming display of force by wave after wave of bland, generic, clean-cut drones, or a six hour long interpretative dance performed by a merry band of colorful free-spirits?

Clearly the free-spirits would have the edge.

In fact, I think your hair isn't long enough. We ought to put in some extensions - really style it up, make you look fabulous.

Have a seat in this chair and we'll get to work. This will be great. We could even frost your tips.

Close your eyes, I want this to be surprise.

I don't hear any buzzing. You must be hearing something.

Electric razor? I don't even know what those words mean.

KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED, MAGGOT!

Q: How do you stop a horse from fighting you when putting on a bridle?

A: Approach her real gently, all quiet-like. Stroke her neck softy. Whisper into her ear. Tell her it won't hurt a bit. That it's for the best. That she'll grow to love it.

Give her a sugar cube.

Show her the bridle. Let her smell it, touch it, get comfortable with it.

Make large, slow movements. Nothing sudden. Nothing jumpy.

Slide the bridle on, slow as can be. Maintain eye contact the whole time. Once it's all the way on, fasten the snap, stoke her neck one last time and give her a kiss on the lips.

Hand the reigns over to the stranger who's about to mount her, collect the money and start the camera.

That's how it works with my wife. I figure it should be about the same with a horse.