Q: Can you list all of the Mark Twain quotes?

A: Of course I can. What kind of stupid question is that. Everyone knows I'm, like, the biggest Mark Twain fan in the entire freaking world. I named my two kids Huck and Tom. My annual budget for wigs and moustache bleach rivals the GDP of most Third World countries. My Facebook, Twitter, Gmail, ATM, and home security passwords are all same: Clemens. As in Samuel Clemens. As in Mark Twain's real name. I'm pretty sure I can list all his quotes. In fact, I guarantee I could.

You want me to do it now?

Oh. Okay.

Do you mind if I log on the computer for a second? I have this terrible tickle in my throat and I want to check WedMD. I might have shingles.

I'm not going to Google "Mark Twain quotes." That would be cheating, and, like I said, I have no reason to cheat because I am the world's biggest Mark Twain fan who may or may not be dying of shingles.

Incidentally, do you know that you're using the word quote incorrectly? Quote is a verb, as in, "May I quote you on that, Senator?" What you want to say is quotation. Do I know all the Mark Twain quotations?

I'm not stalling. I'm correcting your syntax. Most people are thankful for that. You don't have to get all defensive and start yelling at me and making a scene. You should have more consideration for my condition. I could have shingles.

Okay, all the quotes. Every single one. Do you want them chronologically or by subject or anything?

Doesn't matter? Okay, here we go. All the Mark Twain quotes.

Um, let's see ... There's the one about writing: "Write without pay until someone offers to pay. If nobody offers pay within three years, the candidate may look upon this circumstance with the most implicit confidence as the sign that sawing wood is what he was intended for." One of my yearbook quotes. Most people forget the second part, but not me, because my brain is literally bursting with Twain knowledge. Literally. Bursting. You can see the stretch marks right here. Although, that might be the shingles. I really ought to check WedMD.

I'm seriously not stalling. Listing every Mark Twain quote is the easiest thing in the world. Why would I stall?

Fine. I'll keep going. Despite the pain. Here we go, every Mark Twain quote.

There's ... Um ... There's ... Wow, there's so many. They're all kind of running together in my head ... I could use a coffee.

Not stalling.

Okay, yes, yes, I have it. His famous quote about gambling:  "Ever play Roulette? Always bet on black."

Well I first heard it from Mark Twain. It's not my fault if some Hollywood movie steals his material without credit.

I have shingles.

Q: What are three literary elements?

Q: Protagonist: The main character of a story. The hero if you will. He or she must achieve a goal or save the city or find a treasure. He's the one you're rooting for. A protagonist can be anyone, from a simple farm boy about to enter an intergalactic war against an evil empire, to a simple accounts-receivable manager with strong, muscular legs and firm, shapely buttocks from his years on the competitive hip-hop dancing circuit.

Antagonist: The character who impedes the protagonist. What you would call a villain. He's responsible for putting a series of escalating obstacles in the path of our hero. Normally, the antagonist receives the majority of the boos ad hisses and thrown tomatoes. An antagonist could be, say, a former Jedi Knight who has turned his back on his culture and embraced the dark side, or an uptight and unreasonable company president who requires his employees to wear loose-fitting, drab trousers every day of the week.

Conflict: The basis for all drama. Two opposed forces coming head to head. Only one can win. One must win. Some notable conflicts include the destruction of the Death Star, the savior of Endor, and the creation of a new, more relaxed, company dress code.

As you can see, my resignation letter has all three literary elements. In case you don't understand,  I am the protagonist, you are the antagonist and the company's draconian dress code is the conflict.

Our story has reached a climax. You have two choices: accept my resignation, or agree to my demands and declare Friday Tight Pants Day. You have ten seconds to decide. I'll count slowly so you have plenty of time to consider what has to be the biggest choice of your career.

Oooonnnnnnnnneeee .... Twwwwwooooooooo ... Three-

Oh. Okay. Are you sure you don't want to take the full ten seconds? I'd hate to see you rush into a decision here.

No? You're sure. Okay then.

And you're positive you don't want to reconsider Tight Pants Friday?

All right.

I guess all we have left to discuss is my severance package.

There's no need to call security. I feel perfectly safe. These pants are extremely supportive.

Q: What phase is the moon in when you can see more than one?

A: There's never a phase where you can see more than one moons. There's just the one moon. It reflects sunlight, shines real bright, and we see the reflection. There's only one moon.

How are you seeing two moons?

Oh, I know what's going on.

That  big white circle in the sky there? That's the moon. That other bright shining orb? That's a searchlight. Someone must have tipped off the guards about our escape.

Don't wave at it.

Q: What is the main difference between the public and private sectors?

A: In the public sector a certain amount of transparency is required. How you get your money, where it goes, how you make hiring decisions, whether or not you obey laws, who you've punched in the face or sexually harassed - the general public expects to know these things. All that openness and honesty, let's face it, is exhausting. In the public sector you can't even sideswipe a school bus without everyone demanding an apology. Don't even get me started on hiding dead bodies.

In the private sector all that matters is the bottom line. Make enough money to keep the stockholders happy and you can do anything in your personal life. No one will care. Make enough money so the stockholders can retire at 42 and buy their own sports franchise or Third World army and you can do anything, publicly, and no one's going to lift a finger. Sure some idealistic reporter might think they can make their name with a big expose, but those never last. Idealistic young reporters disappear every day. No one seems to mind.

So, do you really want to use those wonderful powers - flight, super-strength, super-hearing, invulnerability - that our sun gives you, to work in the public sector as a champion of the people, the same people who will turn on you in one hot second if you happen to accidentally drop a bullet train on an old folks home, or impregnate a county full of lonely cheerleaders, or do you want to come work in the private sector, where you'll be defending people who really need protection - our nation's millionaire industrialists? Did I mention that you'll be able to get away with murder? Literally? We do a lot of overseas contracting. Don't pretend you haven't thought about how many ways you could dismember someone with your heat vision.

So, what's it going to be? Are you ready to join the winning team?

I knew you'd make the right decision, Clark. You're going to enjoy your new life as Exxon Mobil Man.

Q: What do farmers eat?

A: My dad was a farmer, so I can tell you first-hand what a farmer eats: Beef. Pork. Corn. Sour Mash Whiskey. Dirt. Moonshine. Old Tires. Rubbing Alcohol. Legal Summons. Neighbor's Kids. Pepper Spray. Eviction Notices. Comic Books. Fudge. Results of Court Ordered Psychological Tests. Drywall. Shotgun Barrel.

I assume such a diet was common for all farmers.