Q: How are emu's hunted and caught and killed and cooked?

A: I've been hunting emus for over thirty years, ever since that fateful day - my eighth birthday - when a wild emu trampled my birthday cake to death. Also, my father. He jumped on top of the cake. Or was pushed. I can't really remember. Either way, the emu got him.

They're a challenging foe, the emu. Strong. Fast. Clever. Wicked. Cruel.

That son of a bitch trampled that cake like it was tissue paper. It was an ice cream cake. A Greatest American Hero ice cream cake. That cake meant the world to me. The emu didn't care. It seemed to enjoy my pain. I can still it laughing as it stuck a hoof in that cake and tore it to pieces. It was either laughter or screams - my father's screams - I can't quite recall. It was so long ago. My father had a weird scream, sounded like a laughed. Weird laugh, too. Sounded like a scream. Either way, I remember some sort of loud noise. It's haunted me ever since.

You can only catch an emu by surprise. You can't hunt them head on, like a horse or a bear or a homeless man, you need a large net, or a deep pit. Once cooked, they taste like unicorn. Tender, delicious unicorn.

So I've been told. I've never cooked one. Or caught one. Or seen one.

At least, not since that day.

But I'm bound to see one eventually. Emus always return to the scene of the crime. I hope. They better. I really don't have a back-up plan.

I've dug this pit in the exact spot where I had my party. Where the emu killed my father. Where the emu destroyed my cake. When I close my eyes, I can still see his face, torn apart by the emu.

William Katt's face, drawn in frosting. Got all over the place. I really don't remember my father's face. I was a kid. We weren't that close.

As I was saying, I dug this pit in the exact spot where I last saw the emu. He's bound to come back. An emu never forgets all the birthday's he's ruined. I coined that phrase. I tried to sell it to Hallmark, turn it into a line of cards. They wrote me a very lovely letter saying they were not interested, and to never contact them again.

Nice people.

Yup, this pit is in the exact same spot as my birthday party. Took me ten years to dig it. A lot has changed since then. That tree used to be shorter, that lake deeper and that parking lot used to be a zoo. Other than that, it's exactly the same. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work.

Here emu, emu, emu. I'm waiting.

Q: How can the President persuade Congress to pass a bill?

A: Convincing Congress to set aside their partisan differences and actually do their job is one of the most difficult, and unfortunately, most common tasks required of the President. Luckily, there are a few proven methods.

Use eloquent locution to convince them that the nation needs this bill passed now, more than ever. All it takes is a few well-crafted sentences, some well timed pauses, and the occasional podium thump.

Use the power of the liberal media to shame them into passing the bill or risk months and months of negative coverage during the campaign. All it takes is a few calls to the New York Times.

Use backroom political maneuvering - good, old-fashioned glad-handing and arm-twisting - to get them to do your bidding. All is takes is a new missile silo here, a new bridge there and a severe cut in arts funding.

Yes, sir, you have any number of tactics at your disposal. You can do almost anything. Almost anything.

One thing you cannot do, sir, is use military force. That far exceeds your powers as Commander-In-Chief. It's illegal, immoral, and if I may be frank, sir, rather petty.

It doesn't matter what the Speaker called you, sir, you can't have Seal Team 6 take him out.

You can't use Robot Shark Team 6 either, sir. Even if they did exist. Which I cannot confirm.

Q: Where to buy a rebuilt car battery?

A: Here at Autozone, we sell only the finest car parts and accessories, from name brand manufactures. You won't find a second-hand part here at Autozone. Every single part and accessory in the store comes straight from the factory, complete with a guarantee; if it doesn't work, you -

- Sir! Sir, are you okay? Do you need help? Should I pick you up, or should I call 911?

I'm sorry, sir, I can't understand you. You'll have to speak clearly. Use your words. I don't understand your metallic, clanging language.

Where are those flashing lights coming from?

Why did you paint your body silver? And how do you make it so smooth and shiny?

I don't understand sign language. What are you trying to say?

You're pointing at your chest ... Heart. Is that it sir? Are you a fan of the band Heart?

No?

What is that beeping?

Heart ... Heart ...

Sir, please don't pull up your shirt, this is a family store.

Now you're pointing at the gaping hole in your chest. Heartless. You're heartless. Is that it? You're a heartless monster who will die alone!

I didn't mean to get so excited. I probably shouldn't have yelled that. I'm sure your kids love you.

Okay, sir, I can figure this out.

Sir?

Sir?

We're going to need a clean up in aisle 8. Bring a mop. There's a lot of oil.

Q: What a good thing about killing whales?

A: Where should I start?

Whales are nature's fiercest killers. They're brutal. They're relentless. They'll spend a lifetime tracking you down, through every ocean, every sea, every river, every lake.

Even every above ground pool.

No place is safe from the terror that is whale.

Not even the land. Not even your home. Not even under your bed, huddled under your bed, your pillows like a fort, a curling iron your only defense.

Whales can climb stairs. Whales have night vision. Whales know to look under the bed.

Whales love human flesh.

Don't believe me? I didn't make this up. It's all written in a book, Moby Dick.

Well, I didn't actually read it. I flipped through it one day in a bookstore near the courthouse. I was in a bit of a hurry, with a lot on my mind, so I didn't retain much of the story. But I think I'm getting the gist of it.

I did see the movie, though.

Most of the movie. Some of the movie.

I looked at the box of the movie in the video store. It told me enough. It told me it's never wrong to kill a whale. I think that's the movie's tag line. Moby Dick: It's Never Wrong To Kill A Whale.

Is that right? It sounds right.

I must admit, I took a lot of acid that day.

And I killed a lot of whales.

Sea World hasn't been the same since.

Q: What are three theories that explain the origin of language?

A: Theory #1: Early man was telepathic and had no need for spoken language. Early man was also violent and had a great need to beat each other with sticks and rocks and large fish. The beatings resulted in numerous concussions, decreased grey matter and the need for a spoken language. According to this theory, the first words were "Hey, quit it."

Theory #2: Words didn't used to mean things. They were simply a series of sounds used to denote one emotion: joy. Everyone felt joy, all the time, and expressed it constantly. Every word meant "I am joyful," from Joy to Happy to Apoplectic to Shenanigan to Balderdash to Uppity to Ralph. Then the fire-breathing dinosaurs rose from the sea and obliterated 90% of the known world and 100% of the joy. In an effort to reclaim the land humans needed to mount a coordinated offensive. To do that, they needed words that meant things. According to this theory, the first words were, "Ralph will be the decoy."

Theory #3: Life began with one couple, a man and a woman. They didn't need to talk much because they spent all their time making love. Sweet, sweet love. The kind of love that occurs once in a millennium, when a man loves a woman with his whole being, heart and soul together. Then the couple had children, children that grew to be teenagers. Attractive teenagers. Especially the daughter. Soon, the man had a need to keep secrets, thus language was born. According to this theory, the first words were: "Ssshhhh, it's okay."

As you can see, all of these theories are completely ridiculous.  Why don't go back to my place, enjoy a glass/box of wine and come up with a few of our own.

Don't tell your mother.