Q: What national park has the highest suicide rate?

A: Black Canyon of the Gunnison in Colorado, beating out the Badlands of South Dakota by a nose.


The nose in question belonged to a morbidly obese lad of 19 who, no doubt depressed at the thought of spending his life alone and unloved, shot himself with a 12 gauge shotgun on the edge of the Badlands. The bullet tore his skull apart and sent his nose flying 34 feet into the parking lot. As such, the suicide is not considered to have taken place inside the park, giving Black Canyon the win!


Better luck next year, Badlands. 

Q: What types of books do people love best?

A: Books that reinforce their world view, and offer the shallowest of insights into the nature of life and humanity. Often, these books have vampires. Or wizards. Or lawyers.

Q: What was the cause of the monkey becoming endangered?

A: They burned down the trees and ruined the land, and still the monkey survived.

They poisoned the bananas and drained the seas, and still the monkey survived.

They developed new weapons, brought in the best hunters, and still the monkey survived.

When all looked lost, when it had nowhere else to go, I let the monkey hide in my home, like a member of the family, safe from the predators, safe from the hands of man.

The monkey played with my children. The monkey ate from my fridge. The monkey played in my yard. All was well.

The monkey unlocked the door to my study. The monkey soiled my comic books. The monkey deleted all the shows on my DVR.

Now the monkey must die.

Q: How long can a human live without water but with food and other drinks?

A: A human being can live up to two years subsisting on nothing but a diet of cookie dough and maple syrup and  I have the scientific data to prove it.

By scientific data, I mean my cousin, Mitch, who has been locked in my basement for the past two years. Every couple of weeks I toss down a package of cookie dough and a couple quarts of syrup. I can assure you he's very much alive. I heard him moving around last night.

Fine, if you insist on being obstinate, I will show you. Step back, he may charge when I open the door. He didn't exactly volunteer for my experiment and has threatened to kill me many times.

Let me see, which key is it? There we go. And voila!

Okay, Mitch, you can come out.

Mitch!

Mitch?

Oh dear God.

Earlier claims I made about the ability of humans to live on a diet of maple syrup and cookie dough may have been false. However, it does appear that cockroaches can thrive on such a diet, as long as it's mixed in with the right amount of corpse.

Q: Does having a longer jump rope affect the way you jump?

A: If I had a shorter jump rope, say, one made for toddlers, I wouldn't be able to swing down from the roof, crash through the second floor window, surprise the terrorists and save the elementary school. With a rope that short, I'd only be able to dangle over the edge, my feet weakly kicking at the glass, doing nothing but drawing the attention of the terrorists to the window, giving them ample time to aim, fire and shoot me dead, leaving the elementary school unsaved.

Thankfully, I found this larger rope. Those terrorists won't know what hit them. The next time they think about invading an elementary school, holding the students hostage and demanding an exorbitant ransom, they'll think twice. I bet it never occurred to them that the Federal government has spent the past seven years training little people to pose as children in the event of such a terrorist attack. Congress laughed at the plan, as did the Press, as did every citizen who heard about it. Who's laughing now?

If you could, please give my beanie a spin. I think it will look cool if me beanie spins when I crash through the window. I'll need every advantage I can get. Congress slashed the funding for the Tiny AntiTerror Initiative this past year. Aside from the element of surprise, I have no actual weapons.

Wish me luck!