Q: Does having a longer jump rope affect the way you jump?

A: If I had a shorter jump rope, say, one made for toddlers, I wouldn't be able to swing down from the roof, crash through the second floor window, surprise the terrorists and save the elementary school. With a rope that short, I'd only be able to dangle over the edge, my feet weakly kicking at the glass, doing nothing but drawing the attention of the terrorists to the window, giving them ample time to aim, fire and shoot me dead, leaving the elementary school unsaved.

Thankfully, I found this larger rope. Those terrorists won't know what hit them. The next time they think about invading an elementary school, holding the students hostage and demanding an exorbitant ransom, they'll think twice. I bet it never occurred to them that the Federal government has spent the past seven years training little people to pose as children in the event of such a terrorist attack. Congress laughed at the plan, as did the Press, as did every citizen who heard about it. Who's laughing now?

If you could, please give my beanie a spin. I think it will look cool if me beanie spins when I crash through the window. I'll need every advantage I can get. Congress slashed the funding for the Tiny AntiTerror Initiative this past year. Aside from the element of surprise, I have no actual weapons.

Wish me luck!