Q: How long can a human live without water but with food and other drinks?

A: A human being can live up to two years subsisting on nothing but a diet of cookie dough and maple syrup and  I have the scientific data to prove it.

By scientific data, I mean my cousin, Mitch, who has been locked in my basement for the past two years. Every couple of weeks I toss down a package of cookie dough and a couple quarts of syrup. I can assure you he's very much alive. I heard him moving around last night.

Fine, if you insist on being obstinate, I will show you. Step back, he may charge when I open the door. He didn't exactly volunteer for my experiment and has threatened to kill me many times.

Let me see, which key is it? There we go. And voila!

Okay, Mitch, you can come out.

Mitch!

Mitch?

Oh dear God.

Earlier claims I made about the ability of humans to live on a diet of maple syrup and cookie dough may have been false. However, it does appear that cockroaches can thrive on such a diet, as long as it's mixed in with the right amount of corpse.

Q: Does having a longer jump rope affect the way you jump?

A: If I had a shorter jump rope, say, one made for toddlers, I wouldn't be able to swing down from the roof, crash through the second floor window, surprise the terrorists and save the elementary school. With a rope that short, I'd only be able to dangle over the edge, my feet weakly kicking at the glass, doing nothing but drawing the attention of the terrorists to the window, giving them ample time to aim, fire and shoot me dead, leaving the elementary school unsaved.

Thankfully, I found this larger rope. Those terrorists won't know what hit them. The next time they think about invading an elementary school, holding the students hostage and demanding an exorbitant ransom, they'll think twice. I bet it never occurred to them that the Federal government has spent the past seven years training little people to pose as children in the event of such a terrorist attack. Congress laughed at the plan, as did the Press, as did every citizen who heard about it. Who's laughing now?

If you could, please give my beanie a spin. I think it will look cool if me beanie spins when I crash through the window. I'll need every advantage I can get. Congress slashed the funding for the Tiny AntiTerror Initiative this past year. Aside from the element of surprise, I have no actual weapons.

Wish me luck!

Q: Is it better if a husband and wife both apply for a vehicle loan or?

A: Or what?

Or what?

What do you mean to say? Or, "is it better if the wife were to ... disappear, leaving the husband free to go about his life without having to deal with the cursed tyranny of marriage?"

Is that what you're trying to say? Do you want me to murder your wife? Or have someone murder your wife? I know people, as you must know, otherwise you wouldn't have come to me, made such a suggestion.  I can have something like that arranged, if that is what you want.

Is that what you want?

Blink once for yes, twice for no.

That was eight blinks. That was no help.

Are you even listening?

I don't understand your code. The seizing up and falling to the floor makes it seem like you are saying "Yes," but what does the sudden, extreme paleness mean? And why are you clutching your left arm? Am I to bill you for this service? That's not how these things work.

I can't understand a word you're saying. You're going to have to speak more clearly and without so much spittle. Those grunts are barely decipherable. Now you're just being insulting.

Listen, if this is some kind of game to you, I am not enjoying it. I am a busy man and I don't have time for your silly little shows. If you want your wife dead, send me a letter. If you want a loan, you can come back tomorrow and fill out the paperwork. If you'll excuse me, I have to go to my son's soccer game.

You're going to have to get off the floor. You can't sleep here.

Sir, get up. Get. Up.

My patience has worn thin.

Q: What is the age when you eventually start losing your memory?

A: It varies, depending on your health, your diet, your history of substance abuse, your proximity to industrial solvents and your family's history of mental illness.

No matter the age, however, most people lose their memory, gradually, over time, not all at once, on the witness stand, the moment the prosecutor begins his line of questioning.

It seems a bit ... phony.

Don't try eating your tie. No one buys it. And the deadline to file for an insanity defense has long passed.

Just pay the jaywalking ticket, get on with your life, and stop wasting this court's time.

Q: What would a diviner not do?

A: Generally, and I'm more saying this as a suggestion, not as a rule, a diviner would not poke your eye out with his stick. Sorry, with his "Divining Rod."

But, as they say, accidents do happen.

As I am sure you are all well aware.

We can spend all afternoon pointing fingers and assigning blame and making wild statements about the legality of a college student posing as a diviner to make a few extra dollars to pay for books and weed - mostly weed - or we can use that energy, put our heads together, and figure out how to fix your son's eye.

I say we cram it back in there. Now, in full disclosure, much like I am not a diviner - which I should have disclosed earlier - I am not a doctor. I am however pre-med. And I say we shove that sucker back in the socket, wrap some gauze around his head, sedate him, and call it a day. 

I study cinema.

I could go to medical school. There's no law against it.

Are we going to stand here all day and argue semantics? Or, are we going to try and save the boy's sight?

Good.

We should sedate him first. His screams make it really hard to concentrate. Does anyone have any morphine? Okay. Then, does anyone have a bong? How about an apple? Or a Coke can?

Wow, you guys must be a barrel of fun on the weekends.

All right, hand me that rock, I'll knock him out.

Okay, boy, stop flailing, this will only take a sec -

Oops.

What are the chances I hit the other eye? That's, like, one in a million.

You have to admit, it's kind of funny.

And horribly tragic.

On the bright side, his other senses will get a lot stronger.

I assume you are familiar with the story of Daredevil.