Q: What side effects would drinking Robitussin cough syrup have on you?

A: You'll stop coughing and have a good night's sleep!

I'm pretty sure Robitussin does put you to sleep. At least it does the way I make it.

Oh, suddenly you're too good to use homemade medicine?

I've been making homemade cough syrup for years, and I've never had one complaint. Not one. And I've given it to dozens and dozens of attractive girls, new to Los Angeles, who I found coughing at the bus station.

It's your choice: You can stick your nose in the air, wait for the drug store to open and spend the whole night coughing and wheezing and being miserable, or you can drink this glass of delicious, homemade Robitussin and sleep more soundly then you ever have before.

Did I mention it's maple flavored?

What's it going to be?

Good. I'm glad you came to your senses. That cough of yours was getting mighty annoying.

You'll have to drink this whole pint to get the full effect. And for it to work best, you have to drink it real fast.

Here you go, down the hatch.

Good job. You'll start feeling better in minutes.

Why don't you lie down and get comfortable?

You'll feel sleepy in no time. Soon, your cough will clear up, your spirits will rise, and you'll drift off into a land of bliss, where you won't feel a thing.

As an added bonus, your gag reflex will be completely gone.

Oh, one more thing:

Before you drift off completely, I need you to sign this release.

Q: How was clothing made in the middle ages?

A: By stone, from stone. That's why so little art and literature survives from that period. The simple act of getting dressed took up to seven hours and was so exhausting that wearer would immediately take a nap, or be crushed to death by their formal attire, leaving little time for creativity.

One of the benefits of stone garments was the protection they offered in battle and in domestic disputes. You were unlikely to be stabbed to death or beaten with mutton while wearing a stone tuxedo. Unfortunately, you were also unlikely be able to walk for more than thirty feet without suffering a massive coronary, which in those days was known as "over sanguination."

Medical experts of the time, who doubled as chefs, believed that the gray color of the clothing angered the invisible spirits who lived in wood chips At their suggestion, the garments were painted black, which made them unbearably hot, leading to massive deaths caused by heatstroke.

Soon after, the chefs of the period, who doubled as medical experts, introduced a low cost meat stew.

Q: Are there certain moves for figure skating?

A: There are many. They require grace, stamina, power and balance.

Most of the moves involve leaps and spins and bold, dramatic turns.

None of the moves involve lying on the ice and twitching.

There's no such move as the "Fish Out of Water."

I know. I've been an Olympic figure skating judge for thirty years.

I give your routine a score of 1.1 and urge you to take up a more fitting activity, such as door stopping or flood prevention. Those sand bags don't have to do all the work.

I don't think I being too harsh. I'm doing my job.

I don't care what the Special Olympic stands for.

If you wanted everyone to be a winner, why did you hire judges?

Q: How many credits are needed for law school?

A: Most law schools require about 120 credits before applying.

I see from your transcript that you have over 3,000.

However, law schools only credits from course work at an accredited college or university.

Not in adult film.

Q: Is it normal to be afraid to get into another relationship after your first heartbreak?

A: After getting your heart broken for the first time, you'll have a hard time trusting anyone. You'll be unwilling and unable to feel vulnerable, to open yourself up, or to even consider the possibility of falling in love.

You'll see each new relationship as a betrayal waiting to happen. Each potential mate as a someone who will eventually crush your spirit and break your heart. You won't even be able to enjoy dating; even the most casual cup of coffee will contain red flags and warning signs.

You're probably better off foregoing relationships altogether and embracing a life of wanton, sexual adventure with strangers, co-workers and causal acquaintances.

You might want to start with someone you know fairly well, someone you're comfortable talking to, someone who's handsome and charming and currently available.

Someone like me, your therapist.

As an added bonus, my copious notes about your traumatic sexual experiences will allow me to keep the sex just close enough to the danger zone to allow for maximum enjoyment without any long-term psychological scarring.

Unless you're interested in that sort of thing.

In which case I can dress up like your father.