Q: What is the back and forth motion that repeatedly follows the same path?

A: If you're not enjoying this, we can stop and try again tomorrow.

Or adopt.

Q: Can a father keep a child in Arizona if the parents have not filed for legal separation?

A: I appreciate your concern, Daddy, all the hours you devoted to learning the law, struggling to read and write even the most basic sentence because you dropped out of school at 7 to support your family by pretending to get injured in city buses and the steps of government buildings. That couldn't have been easy. I understand that you wanted me to have the kind of life you never could, a life of opportunity and freedom and maybe even college. That means so much to me. It truly does.

But I'm 35 years old now. I can take care of myself.

Daddy, please stop talking to the judge and talk to me.

Q: Is it a crime to collect rainwater?

A: Getting the water the way you did is within your legal rights. Doesn't matter that you used a rusty bucket. Doesn't matter that you plan to use it to fill up water balloons. Doesn't even matter that what you collected isn't even technically rain water. It's flood water. The law doesn't differentiate.

What the law does have a problem with is your illegal streaming of the latest Hollywood movies and UFC events. That's why the cops are here and that's why you're going to prison. Has nothing to do with the rain water.

I admit, the timing is suspiciously coincidental. If I were a betting man, I would wager that someone tipped them off to your criminal activities while you were off collecting the water. Probably someone with his own bookmaking related legal troubles looking to make a deal and also settle a personal grudge.

As you know, I am a betting man. And a cinephile. Maybe you'll remember that the next time you invite half the neighborhood over to watch Magic Mike.

Q: Is SARS a viral disease of humans?

A: Yeah, it's a virus that causes difficulty breathing and is occasionally fatal. Rarely fatal, but it happens. Happened. It was a big thing for a while there. All over Hong Kong. You might recall all those Asians in face masks all over the news. More so than usual.

Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, that's what it means. You know a disease is serious if they include Severe in the name. AIDS doesn't even have that. AIDS. And that's a bad one. Calling it SAIDS would change everything, not only the pronunciation. Sounds like SADS. Don't know if people would take it seriously if we had called it SADS. Although people took SARS seriously despite it's ridiculous name.

I'm just now noticing the phrasing of your question. Most people would say "Is SARS a viral disease?" and stop right there. But you didn't stop. You had more to say. "Of humans," you said. Of humans. Odd thing to say.

Odder still was the way you said it. Cold. Blank. Monotone. Emotionless.

Tinny.

Like a robot. Like how a robot would say it.

I've always suspected that something was off about you. The way you never engage in small talk. They awkward way you move and dance and play basketball. The way sparks fly out of your head when we make love in the shower.

I guess I should have known. Something so perfect, so beautiful, could never be human.

Do not pretend to cough for my benefit.

Q: What should be prescribed for a cat that has a runny nose and is lethargic?

A: I had the same problem about eight years ago. Drove me crazy. Couldn't solve it. Stayed up all night trying everything I could think of, every home remedy and old wives tale. every long shot strategy, every wild plan randomly chosen from the Bible. Nothing worked. My son still laid on the ground, still and cold and dead as the day that garbage truck ran him over.

I probably should have said this sooner, but when I said "I had the same problem," I meant, "I had a similar problem, expect instead of a cat it was my son and instead of having a head cold and being lazy, he was dead and grey matter leaked from the fractures in his skull." But otherwise, exactly the same.

Anyway, as you understand, seeing a loved one in pain or dead can be a terrifying experience. You feel helpless, like the whole world's crashing down on you.  But I was not going to give up and take my son's condition lying down. I knew what I had to do:  travel to Haiti to try and harness the power of voodoo.

The trip was a bit of a disaster. I angered a local voodoo priest who drove nails into my scrotum and poisoned me with voodoo drugs, turning me into a zombie. They made a movie about it. Maybe you've seen it. RoboCop.

Obviously they changed a few things.

Once I got back to the states, I used all my acquired voodoo knowledge to revive my son. By this time, he was in a bad shape. My wife turned off the cooling system and he began to rot. The vermin got to him. And the neighbors. And the neighbors pets. There was a thunderstorm. We had some flooding. When I got home he was less a son and more of a black son puddle that gave off fumes that would blind you. He was not responsive to the voodoo.

Now, I had two choices: I could stay in that basement, feel sorry for myself, and slowly go blind. Or, I could suck it up, scrape my son sludge off the floor and get on with my life. I chose option B. I got on with my life. Just because I couldn't bring my son back didn't mean I wasn't a father. I had a new son. And another. And another. I didn't stop until I had fourteen children by twelve women. That's how you deal with grief. Once I was done fathering, I left the kids with their mothers, bought this pet shop and settled in for the good life.

It's time for you to face the truth. Your cat's not going to make. Sure I could give you some medicine and some fancy wet food to improve his health and boost his energy. But how long will he last? Ten years? Twelve maybe? Best say goodbye now and move on. What better way to move on with your life than by buying twenty cats?

Please buy the twenty cats. They're only five hundred bucks each.

Ten? Please?

Do you have any idea how much I pay in child support?