Q: What is a way you can end an essay with your conclusion?

A: A writer of an essay has many possible conclusions at his disposal.

He could end with a question, giving the reader something to think about. He could end with a quotation from a famous author that sums up his essay and brings everything together. He could end the essay with the same sentence he used at the start, to bring everything full circle. He could end with a personal anecdote that clearly expresses the themes of his essay. Any of these techniques would have been more acceptable.

But you chose to go a different route and end your essay with a picture of your engorged genitals with the captain, "Prime real estate available!" Your conclusion is unacceptable and I will not be able to award you a passing grade.

I will, however, take you up on your real estate offer. Are there rentals available, or must I buy? And can I bring friends?

Q: What does the idiom just a hair off mean?

A: Usually, it means "Very close" as in, "a hair's width," as in, "you missed your target ever so sightly, but you shouldn't beat yourself up; in fact, you should feel proud for even trying."

But I meant it differently.

When you asked if you had successfully hit the target and I shook my head and raised my hand in front of face, holding my index and middle fingers an inch apart, and I looked at you through the space between my fingers and I said, "You were just a hair off," I was being sarcastic. That's why General McCloskey laughed, and why General Bailey laughed, and why President Percival laughed and then began to cry. Because I was being sarcastic. Because I meant the exact opposite.

Your mission was to bomb Damascus, in Syria. You bombed Cincinnati, in Ohio.

Soldier, you cost us a swing state.

Q: Who owns the phantom of the opera original mask?

A: The famous mask, as worn by Lon Chaney in the 1927 film Phantom of the Opera, has been part of my collection for over thirty years. It was the second piece of movie history I purchased, after the famous wheelchair used by Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window. Over the years, I've added more and more trinkets to my collection, such as the bedouin scarf worn by Peter O'Toole in Lawrence of Arabia, and the sled from Citizen Kane. None of these trophies compare to my prized possesion over there.

What do you think that is?

Wrong. That's what everyone guesses. They think it's the mold of Han Solo in carbonite from The Empire Strikes Back. Ever since I was a child, I wanted it more than anything, turns out George Lucas had it destroyed during a benefit for wealthy fat children in 1994, Fudgecon '94. Since the prop no longer existed, I had to make it myself. What you see there is Harrison Ford encased in carbonite. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't cheap, but it was worth it.

That's what I always told myself, until I saw the last Indiana Jones movie. Now I regret my decision and I want that impostor dead.

Q: How many athletes have died because of injuries sustained in a game?

A: In the millions of games played at the amateur and professional level over the course of human existence, very few athletes have died as a result of game-related injuries.

Until today.

In retrospect, your decision to let a teenage werewolf play quarterback may have been a mistake. But I admit, it seemed like a good idea at the time. In wolf form, he was stronger and faster than everyone on the field, probably stronger and faster than anyone in the history of the game. There's no way you could lose.

And then everything went wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.

Turns out werewolves are more interested in killing and eating people than they are in running the spread option. In retrospect, maybe you should have benched him after he celebrated his first touchdown by decapitating the other team's safety. Although it was kind of cool when he spiked the kid's head like a football. I remember enjoying that. Then again, I may have been in shock.

But you trusted your gut and kept him in the game. Even after he killed our halfback. And our tight end. And the rest of our team. And the other team. And the cheerleaders. And the referees.

Thank god we let Old Man Winters come to the game. Can you imagine what would have happened if he didn't have those silver bullets? And to think we wanted to have him banned for his anti-werewolf rhetoric.


On the bright side, Coach, you've earned a place in the history books, but probably not in the way you hoped. Instead of being mentioned in the same breath as Bear Bryant and Vince Lombardi, you'll be lumped in with Stalin and Pol Pot. There could be worse things to have on a tombstone than "The Pol Pot of high school football." At least two or three. No one's compared you to Hitler.

Wait. I didn't see that guy's sign.

Q: What would happen if you altered the cells in a human?

A: I'm so glad you asked.

Over the past year, in addition to our assigned work creating a cow that will yield more meat, directly produce milk and lay chicken eggs, some of us in the Genetics Department have spent the better part of our nights and weekends on a little side project. We've kept this project quiet because we didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. but last night we made a breakthrough.

All me to present ... The Perfect Human!

Now, this is only a prototype. The real Perfect Human won't have that smell. Or be that color. And it will still be alive. But look at the muscles and the wings and the claws and the shoulder mounted cannons. You have to admit those are pretty awesome.

Obviously we have some bugs to fix. We need to find a way to either reinforce the skeleton, or reduce the weight of the cannon, so the collarbone doesn't snap. And we'd like to keep the next one alive.

But as you can see, we're making progress.

Now, as our CEO, we need a few things from you. First, we need a significant increase in our department's budget. Second, we need blanket authorization for all human genetics related overtime. Third, we need you to find a new wife. Maybe someone who's a little less feisty. We probably would have finished the prototype earlier if we didn't have to spend so much time hitting her over the head with our shoes. But you can't build the Perfect Human without the right specimen.

You're a lucky man, sir. She's a very beautiful woman. Was a beautiful woman. Who knows, maybe we could bring her back, if we had a big enough budget.