Q: Can you commit suicide with antibiotic pills?

A: I take antibiotics to fight my bronchitis. They'll make me better in now time. I have no intention of killing myself. I'm going to be around for a long time.

You seem disappointed. Actually, that makes a lot of sense.

I've begun to notice how you always mention how the wood beams in my ceiling look strong.  "Strong enough for a man to hang himself," you always say with a wink and a smile and a nudge in the ribs. I'm beginning to understand your meaning. And your yearly Christmas gift: enrollment in a noose-making class. Always thought that was a gag gift.

Then there's those scrapbooks you make, full of picture after picture of my ex-girlfriends, with your little handwritten notes  like "She looks better than ever," and "Her new boyfriend probably packs a big one," and "You'll probably never be as happy as when you were with her. What's the point of living?" I assumed they were some sort of dry joke that I just didn't get.  I might have been wrong.

You have been encouraging me to have a lot of "bath toast" lately, which can't possibly be a real thing no matter how many fake websites you send me as proof. I suspect you created those websites. Every one is a GeoCities site. That's clue number one.

Clue number two is you sign your own name.

I thought you were my friend. Why would you want me to kill myself?

Oh.

I guess having an awesome eulogy is as good a reason as any.

Q: What is the definition of hazardous material?

A: Any material that may cause short or long term damage to an employee's health is considered to be hazardous and must be removed from the building. Anyone who knowingly introduces hazardous material to the office will be fired and subjected to any applicable legal action.

Cathy's lemon squares don't qualify. They're rather delicious. I've had three. But this isn't about the lemon squares, is it?

If Cathy doesn't want to date you, that's her decision. You can't have her arrested or fired or deported.

I know that she hurt you. We all know. You've made it clear with your editorials in the company newsletter and your YourTube videos and your ad in the Times and your billboard and your screenplay, Jack and Cathy Go Boning.

I admit I enjoyed the screenplay. I appreciated all the drawings. Helped me visualize all the positions. I'm sure Cathy was flattered. And that twist at the end, where Cathy is revealed to be succubus intent on destroying all men with her sexual charms? Brilliant. I'm sure Cathy loved it, too. I can't imagine why she wouldn't want to go out with you.

That was sarcastic. You can't use that quote in your next ad.

Q: Are girls scouts as prepared as boy scouts?

A: They say they are. They share a motto, "Be Prepared."

Don't believe it.

Most Boy Scouts spend their idle time imaging a day when their parents will be gone, their teachers vanished, their friends mysteriously absent, leaving them all alone in a desolate wasteland. They plan for such a day - secretly hope for it - squirreling away food and supplies and toys in their tree forts or backyard pits. Most Girl Scouts spend their idle time trying to figure out a way to avoid creepy survivalist boys.

Boy Scouts love kung fu movies and pro wrestling and every other sort of pretend fighting entertainment you can imagine. They've picked up a few rather effective moves, along with many comically ineffective moves. But they are ready to spring these vicious attacks on any attacker at any time. They live in a constant of readiness. Girl Scouts live in a constant state of happiness. Except the sad ones. But they mostly keep to themselves.

Boy Scouts are far more prepared than Girl Scouts. If you insist on hunting the most dangerous game - man - but want to start somewhere realistic, your best option is a Girl Scout. Just don't make the same mistake Mr. Paley did and hang one on you trophy wall. Turns out folks around here are a little uptight.

Q: Why did the Egyptians feel like they needed to develop a writing system?

Q: The human memory plays tricks. People tend to dramatize the past, and their role in it, for the sake of a better story. The Egyptians began to notice that the history of their land -  their discoveries in math and astronomy, the heroism of ancient kings, the disagreements that led to agreement and eventual enlightenment - was becoming malleable. Facts would change from story to story, even from sentence to sentence, depending on the speaker.. Fearing that centuries worth of wisdom would be lost, they developed a crude system of symbols which would correspond to words which they all agreed would mean specific things, all in order to preserve their accumulated knowledge for the benefit of their children and their children's children and the children beyond them. With a written language in place, they hoped to prevent future generations from stumbling around the desert wondering what time of year it was, why there were triangles buried in the sand and what animals were more worthy of worship than others.

The ancient Egyptians were fascinating. You can read all about them on my iPad, once I get it back from the Mac store. I dropped it in the toilet.  Until then, let's try and hit that bird with this empty beer can.

Q: What is wattage of ATM Bank Machine?

A: Whatever wattage it needs to run the machine and make the screen glow and light up that little light next to the slot where you put your card. I don't know, 11. 11 watts. Does that sound right?

I'm not a scientist, okay. If I were a scientist, I wouldn't need you to build me a magical ATM card that would let me withdraw all the money in any ATM with a single swipe, I would build it myself. But I'm not a scientist, I'm merely a genius. The genius who not only came up with the idea of a magical ATM card, but who also drew a detailed schematic.

All I need you to do is build it. If I had known I was going to be subjected to a series of stupid questions, I would have just asked my father for money and not gone to the trouble of designing the greatest invention in the history of man.

Now, are you going to build it? Or are you going to let them shut off my cable?