Q: What can I say to my girlfriend if she's crying?

A: Tell her you're sorry. Lead with it, end with it, and toss it in a few times in the middle. Tell her you'll change, that you'll never do that again, whatever thing it was that made her mad. You don't even have to know it is that you did, just promise to never do it again. If you have a dead relative, swear on his grave.

Tell her she looks beautiful, that you love her, that she's the most amazing woman in the world and any guy would be lucky to have her. Remind her that you are a man, and are therefore stupid. You didn't mean to say whatever it was you said that made her angry. Tell her you love her again. Throw in a sorry.

Hug her. Hold her tight. Think of the nicest thing you can possibly say about her, make it ten percent nicer, then whisper it into her ear.

This is not the time to compliment her breasts. Or say something like, "Maybe you'll feel better if you lost a little weight."

Tell her that her friends don't understand her. Tell her that everything is going to be okay. Remind her that you love her. Tell her these things happen, whatever these things may be. Tell her that other people's opinions don't matter, only the opinions of her loved ones, people like you. Remind her that you love her.

Tell her you're sorry one more time.

If, after all that - all the apologies and promises and declarations of love and listening and advice and understanding and hugging - she's still crying, put your car in reverse and back up a few feet. You might have parked on her foot.

Q: What does s on a camera mean?

A: It means the camera belongs to Superman. Just like that tripod, and that football, and that Pez dispenser.

No, you can't have it. This is The Fortress of Solitude, not a junk yard. For the World's Greatest Detective, you can be pretty thick sometimes.

You've been pretty slow all day, asking all those dumb questions like "What does this S mean?" and "How come that guy's in his underwear?" and "Hey Superman, how come you don't go home to Krypton no more?"

You know Superman. You know that Krypton was destroyed and Superman's parents died. You know how touchy Superman is about the destruction of Krypton and the death of his parents.

I mean, you would know, if you were the real Batman. But you're not the real Batman, are you? You're just some guy in a Batman suit wandering around trying to steal things. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

And I'm going to need you to return that Justice League ring.

Q: Where can you find a voodoo specialist in your area?

A: Why would you assume there's a voodoo specialist in my area?

Lots of neighborhoods are littered with chicken bones. Mine is not the only one. I'm sure if you drove around town and opened your eyes, I mean really opened them, and looked around, you would see chicken bones everywhere, and streets covered with bizarre symbols drawn in chalk, and stupefied people with ashen skin shuffling through the streets like zombies. Those sites are not exclusive to my front door.

Those? Those are my collection of pin cushions. I'm a bit obsessed, I must admit. I love pin cushions. It just so happens that many of the pin cushions in my collection are human shaped, and appear to resemble some of my neighbors - certain thoughtless people who throw loud parties during the weekday, block my driveway with their luxury SUVs, listen to modern popular music at deafening levels or subscribe to The New Yorker - some of whom have recently suffered spontaneous broken legs or arms, or become overwhelmed with a sudden bring sensation, as if they have been placed in an oven. I can assure you any similarities between the pin cushions are my neighbors are purely coincidental.

I'm sorry I can't be more help, Officer. I hope you find this voodoo specialist who has been, as you put it, "terrorizing" the neighborhood. I'll keep my eyes open and let you know if I see anything.

Could you leave me a business card, so I can contact you if I have any information?

Great.

And could I trouble you for a lock of your beautiful hair?

Q: What do you do if a girl asks you to the dance and is serious about it?

A: It depends on why she asked you: Because she's interested in you romantically, or because she's planning on dumping pig's blood on your head once you are ironically named Prom King?

You should also take into consideration whether or not you were sitting behind a table when she asked you. If you were, she might not know that you are confined to a wheelchair. If you weren't behind the desk, she might have been mocking you. Did she snicker when she asked you, then claim to be thinking about something funny? Sometimes they do that.

No?

So she knows you were in a wheelchair, she wasn't mocking you, and she wants to go to the dance with you?

This girl doesn't happen to wear dark glasses and carry a cane does she?

No?

Wow.

Son, I suggest you marry this girl. You might never get another chance like this. At the very least go to the dance with her. You'll have fun. And I need you out of the house on Friday anyway. I'm having a few of my ... friends over and you creep them out. And when they're creeped out, they don't tip. And Mommy has boob payments.

Q: Can chocolate kill dachshunds?

A:  Probably. If he set his mind to it, and he had a reason, he could kill pretty much anything.

Should he do it? Probably not. After all, he's new to this country, and immigration tends to keep a close eye on mail-order African husbands.

By the way, you might want to give him a less offensive name before you introduce him to people.