Q: What are some famous quotes by scientist Matthias Jakob Schleiden?

A: "Who are you?"

"What are you doing in my house?"

"Are those my clothes?"

"If you don't leave, I'm going to have to call the police."

"Stop laughing."

I'm sure there are others, but by this point I had grown tired of his wailings and turned up the volume on his television.

Q: How can you stick to just one journal I'm always going on to different ones?

A: Develop Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Childhood trauma works best, but since you are a grown man, that opportunity has passed.

Unless you have a time machine. Do you have a time machine? Are you building one? Can you take me with you? I've always wanted to visit Ford's theatre, on the day Lincoln was shot. They say John Wilkes Booth leapt to the stage from the balcony after the assassination, breaking his leg when he landed.

I wonder if anyone applauded? Even sarcastically. I would love to find out.

I'd be willing to pay, or, even help build the machine. I really don't have much going on these days, aside form writing in my journal and organizing my collection of professional wrestling DVDS, so - I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Your journals. Right.

As I was saying, childhood trauma works best when trying to develop OCD, but any trauma will do. The key is to create a situation beyond your control, but that you think you should be able to control. You'll blame yourself for life and spend the rest of your waking hours focusing on whatever little, pathetic corner of the world you can control, all in the hopes of protecting yourself, and your loved one, both real and imagined,  from chaos. When I say it out loud, it sounds kind of silly, but - Excuse me, I need to move that painting, it's off center - you would be surprised how much it works.

Now, do you have any loved ones whose death would cause unbelievable psychic harm. A wife? A mother?

You have a wife and a mother? My, aren't you a lucky one? Who's more fragile?

Flip a coin.

It looks like your wife will soon enjoy the sky diving experience of a lifetime! If she survives that, encourage swimming with sharks, the cheapest package possible. If she's still alive after that, cliff diving. If she's still alive after that, try buying one journal at a time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to re-alphabetize some lucha.

Q: What is the bird called where it is all black and has a brown head?

A: That bird is a raven. Normally, it would be all black. The brown will come off. It's only chocolate.

I placed the raven inside of a chocolate bunny, which I planned to give to my children on Easter Sunday.

I expected them to gobble down the chocolate, revealing the raven inside.

They would have been horrified. Perfectly horrified.

Easter would have been ruined forever.

Then I would never again have to line the pockets of the Cadbury family by purchasing one of their so-called "eggs."

That was the plan.

Was.

Turns out, ravens are strong, stronger that I could imagine. And they hate being inside a tiny, chocolate cocoon.

I guess my children will get to enjoy Easter once again.

Unless I can find a dead bunny in the next five minutes.

Q: How do you get a guy to like you again when you guys broke up and you want to date again?

A: Does he currently have a girlfriend?

Have you murdered her?

Have you burned down his home, leaving him no place to live?

Have you tampered with his mail, ruined his credit, sabotaged his career, or pumped hallucinagins into his car while he drives?

Have you tried anything?

A man will only return to an ex when he has no other options. It seems to me like your ex still has a multitude of options. Eliminate them. You'll thank me.

Just don't thank me publicly. I won't want to hurt my career as a guidance counselor.

Q: Is a lawyer a salaried job?

A: I get that question a lot. Before we go any further, let me put your mind at ease.

I don't get paid unless we win.

And we are going to win! I can feel it. I have what my grandmother used to call "law bones." Once I get inside a courtroom, these old bones start twitching and humming and I get a sense, right down here, at the base of my skull, of how the jury's thinking. Ever since yesterday, my law bones have been acting up like you wouldn't believe. There's no way we're losing this case.

At least no once that jury sees you in that wheelchair.

Didn't I mention the wheelchair?

I swore I did. Are you sure?

Well, I fear that the jury might see you as too ... healthy, and not deserving of such a large settlement, in your current, ambulatory condition. I aim to fix that, put you in a wheelchair, doctor up some medical records, post date some x-rays, and make it seem like you shattered both legs when that paper airplane hit you in the face.

We have excellent forgers. Don't you worry. They'll make it all believable.

One thing they cannot forge is an x-ray. I don't know how else to put this: I'm going to need to break your legs.

Now before you start objecting, let me explain - Hey is that Steve Guttenberg?

See, that didn't hurt too bad. That's one femur down, one more to go. By now you realize Steve Guttenberg is nowhere to be seen. I needed to distract you, so you wouldn't see my assistant swing that sledge hammer. For some reason, Steve Guttenberg always works. People love that guy.

You'll appreciate what I'm doing for you once you have that huge settlement check in your hand. It will be more than enough to cover the cost of the surgery to repair your legs.

Minus my fee, of course.

You might even have enough left over to buy a fancy wheelchair. You'll be needing one.

All right, time for the other leg.

Oh, stop whining. It can't hurt that bad. I stubbed my toe once. Barefoot. On a rock. The pain wore off in minutes.

Okay, fine. I'll just break the one leg. I'm sure the jury will find you just as sympathetic on crutches. Now, let's talk about your testimony,  - Hey, is that Michael Winslow?

I'm sorry about that. I needed to break both legs. The fake reports have already been written.