Q: What does isolate mean in health and safety?

A: Oh, it's just a little term we use when we need to give someone a little ... quiet time, away from the other patients.

There's no need to be afraid. You just need a little ... time to unwind, before you can rejoin your friends.

Don't read into my pauses, or my facial expression. I look like this all the time. Even when I'm smiling, I look like I'm in a state of mortal terror. You should see my prom photos.

Quarantine? I didn't hear anyone say anything about quarantine. No. That's crazy talk. We just want you to hang out in your new, plastic room so you can get a chance to ... relax and take a moment for yourself.

HazMat suits? These aren't HazMat suits. These are astronaut costumes. We're having a costume party. Don't you remember?

That meteor that landed on your house sure did a number on your memory. Do you remember anything? Do you remember seeing the meteor glow? Or seeing anything crawl out of it? Or having anything burrow into your skin and lay eggs in your veins?

No reason. These are all standard questions. I'm sure you'll remember some more once we get you away from all these flashing lights and air raid sirens.

Now, how about you go into your little bubble, lie down, take some deep breaths - DON'T SCRATCH THAT!

Q: How is Brazil diversifying it's economy?

A: Brazil's economy will no longer rely exclusively on kidnapping tourists, children of wealthy businessmen, and families of professional athletes. Due to a drastic decrease in tourists, children worth ransom and professional athletes who let their families live in the country, the enterprising young men and women of Brazil have announced plans to kidnap anything that might hold even the slightest emotional attachment, such as pets, family photos, video game controllers and sandwiches.

Q: What vegetable can not be frozen?

A: Your grandmother!

Your grandmother.

Hello? Is this thing on?

Are you an audience or an oil painting?

This is ridiculous. I'm busting my ass up here and you guys are giving me nothing.

I'm through with this shit.

Next time you want someone to perform when you take a loved one off life support, call a mime.

Fake Answers About Real Presidents

Q: What party did Theodore Roosevelt and supporters make?

A: Roosevelt and his supporters formed the Bull Moose party in 1912. After failing to reclaim the Presidency, Roosevelt formed the Bull Moose Party Planning Company in 1913, which released 14 poorly received stag films over the next three years, before shutting it's doors due to an outbreak of "super-chlamydia." 

Q: Did Herbert Hoover follow Franklin D. Roosevelt as president? 

A: Yes. For years, in a hot air balloon, until the Secret Service shot it down.

Q: How many letters did Abigail Adams send to john Adams?

A: Over the course of their time together, Abigal Adams sent her husband thousands of personal hand-written letters, as well as hundreds of chain letters, lewd drawings, truly tasteless jokes, pictures of cats with stuff on them, sketches of people who parked their horses poorly, inspirational quotations she overheard while dining alone, results from her fantasy Continental Congress league, word carvings of local merchants she fancied, and the severed thumbs of anyone who dared cross her.

Q:How do the president transfer his powers to the vice president temporarily? 

A: By shouting: "Executive Branch Powers, Activate!"

Q: What did Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton serve as members on?

A: Thomas Jefferson. Alexander Hamilton. Charter members of the League of Colonial Justice.

By day, they founded a nation.

By night, they donned masks and kept the streets safe for rich, white landowners.

Hamilton AKA The Treasurer, baffled foes with his mathematical prowess and incapacitated them with an arsenal of razor sharp currency.

Jefferson AKA The Statesman, overpowered evildoers with his powerful oratory and fierce convictions. He also carried a hammer, which he would use to beat people about the head.

Together, they formed a powerful crime fighting duo, thwarting a plots against the Colonies by English spies, protecting the wealth of a young nation,  and bedding attractive slaves by the hundreds. 

Q: What military leader did Abraham Lincoln choose to lead the Union forces in 1864

A: Alexander the Great.

After his advisors informed him that Alexander the Great had been dead for centuries, Lincoln chose Genghis Khan.

Once he sobered up the next morning, he settled on Ulysses S. Grant

Q: How is the president's salary determined? 

A: Every year, he goes into Fort Knox for one hour. Whatever he can carry out, he can keep.

Q: Did president Wilson lead the US into war anxiously?

A: He lead the country into World War I with unwavering confidence and unstoppable belief in his righteousness, all from the safety of the White House.

The soldiers sent to Europe to fight the war, however, were incredibly anxious.

Q: Why isn't George Washington our president anymore? 

A: A 1953 Supreme Court ruling prevents the long deceased from holding office.

Q: Why is it illegal to stalk?

A: Stalking, while technically legal, shows poor character and a lack of courage. If you like a girl, walk up to her, stand up straight, look her in the eye and ask her out. If she says no, she says no. Move on with your life.

You won't make the situation any better by stalking. You can follow her around from a safe distance all day, stand outside her window all night, break into her home while she's gone, try on all her clothes to get a sense of how she thinks, murder her friends and loved ones, one by one, until she has no one else to turn to, but if the chemistry's not there, it's not there. You can't force these things. Trust me, I know.

If I had a nickel for every girl I stalked, I'd be a goddamn millionaire.

I've just been handed a note by my bailiff. Hmmmm. Apparently stalking is illegal. Highly illegal.

You'll have to excuse me, this is my first day as a judge.

Probably my last day, too.

But, before they throw me out, let's schedule some hangings!