Q: What are the 2 factors that affect the force of gravity?

A: Cooking time and choice of meat stock.

Oh, gravity? I thought you said gravy. The force of gravy.

Look, the force of gravity is pretty boring, all math and formulas and facts you have to know about the mass of the earth and various celestial bodies. The force of gravy, now that's something.

You can read all about it in my new book, Gravy Force. It's about of team of chefs who form a crime fighting team after a serial arsonist burns down their restaurants. I may be new to writing, but I'm really proud of it. It has a great story and believable characters and page after page of detailed descriptions, mostly about the way a shotgun full of gravy melts the face of a serial arsonist. There are some graphic sex scenes, too. It's a very good book.

Well, it's not really a book. More of a treatment. I guess a glorified outline. I wrote it fast, so it's sloppy and all over the place. Now that I think about it, it's less an outline and more a bunch of notes on a cocktail napkin.

One note really.

Hot gravy kill arsonist.

I've had a hard time moving on since the fire.

Q: What is a song that is about a government that can't be overthrown?

A:  I'll go one better than a song. Here's a national anthem.

Oh grand old Callahanastan,
Your fields are ripe with fruit.
Your women are so pretty.
Your clothes are so sweaty.
Your sports teams always win.

Oh grand old Callahanastan,
Where the work day starts at noon,
The weekend starts on Wednesday,
Moustaches are mandatory,
And Blu Rays are used as currency.

Oh grand old Callahanastan,
Founded so recently.
The people just decided
To surrender all power
After a bloody coup.


Oh grand old Callahanastan
Our loyalties run to you,
A benevolent ruler 
Of an exceptional land.
Please don't murder us

That's the anthem of a stable government. Whoever wrote that song, and their names have been lost to time but we can verify there were actual people, that the song was written by real people and not by the ruler of this country or a close associate, must have really loved the government. When you love something that much, the last thing you want is to see it end.

Fun fact about Callahanastan. The national anthem doubles as the constitution. You may find it weird that the constitution was written by a group of inspired citizens whose names have been lost to time, and not by any member of the government or the ruler himself, and ask why that is, but I would counter that by saying you have used your question for the day.

Q: What types of physical features are in New York?

A: Obviously there are the buildings, tall and close and grey. Streets packed with yellow cabs and town cars and carriages, horns and shouts and pleas for alacrity. The cold wide sidewalks, littered with waste or slick with mud. The people, the missile  launched locals, the post worker bankers, red faced, tie loosened, three drinks into their night, the lawyers, wigless, gaunt, the buckles of their shoes straining against overplumped feet, the students, young and huddled and passionate about everything, the angry homeless lurching toward with palm outstretch, the eugenics robots hovering eighteen inches of the ground scanning the swarthy and the tan, the tall foreign blondes, thin and scraved, running from casting to casting, and of course the stacks of corpses used to buttress the gates of the city against the Mongol hordes.

If my answers confuse you, please understand, I am a time traveler and have visited this city at many times, in many ages. Not being one to keep accurate notes, the times blend together. What year is it, anyway?

Good. Good. Many years before the Mongol hordes arrive. Plenty of time to get a gyro.

Q: What is the death rate of children in Victorian England?

A: Hmmm ... That's an interesting question, especially from someone in your position. I don't have the figures at the moment, but I'd imagine they are at par or slightly lower than the rest of Europe. I had no idea you were so inquisitive.

Hold on a moment. I believe my wife is calling. What's that, dear?


I'm terribly sorry. My wife has taken ill. We won't be able to attend the opening of Mr. Wilde's latest play. As such, we won't need a babysitter this evening. I hope you understand.

You can have the tickets. And your expected pay. And these jewels.

Please put down my daughter.

Q: How do you rid your body of methadone before a test for it?

A: Convince yourself the drug is not in your system. What the mind believes, so will the body. Learn to master this skill and take the test with peace of mind.

It will also come in handy when you need to convince yourself you didn't lose your job.