Q: How were the nuclear reactors removed from the USS Nautilus during her restoration to museum status?

A: Here's the thing, and I hope you can keep this quiet. I don't want one word of this spreading to the other tour groups. Some of them can be pretty jumpy. But you folks look like the type who can keep a secret. Besides, tomorrow's my last day. It's not like they can do anything to me. Anyway, here's the thing:

We never removed the nuclear reactors. We painted them over with scenes of sea life. Apparently, that was enough. As long as no one said anything, we could call this thing a museum, place some stanchions out front and start charging admission.  Just so you don't think we were heartless, we paid attention to our guests, making sure that their flesh didn't start burning or their eyes didn't begin to glow luminescent in the dark passages. We take our jobs seriously here. Our business depends on repeat customers.

Can you imagine the conversations? "How was your visit to the USS Nautilius Museum?" "Well, my hair tuned green, my skin broke out in volcano sized boils and the baby melted." "So nothing from the gift shop?" Who would want to come back? No one. That's why we keep a careful eye on every guest who wanders near the reactor and why we monitor the integrity of the ship every six months to make sure no radioactive material has leaked out.

We would monitor it more frequently, but most of the inspectors wind up rather deformed. Most of them, anyway. The rest wind up rather dead. Hard position to fill, as you can imagine.

That concludes our tour.  On your way out, please visit our gift shop. I recommend one of our glow-in-the-the-dark dolls. Just make sure you keep them away from food and children.

Q: What is 3 challenges in Puerto Rico?

A: As a traveling businessman in Puerto Rico, you will face the following challenges.

Challenge Number One: The language barrier. Many Puerto Ricans are stubborn and insist on speaking in Spanish. Often, they will pretend that they can't speak or understand English, making it near impossible for them to understand your demands, no matter how loud you shout while waving your gun.

Challenge Number Two: Local Law Enforcement. The Puerto Rican police operate under a Shoot-First-Ask-Questions-Later-Then-Shoot-A-Few-More-Times-Just-To-Be-Safe policy. Such a policy can impede the day to day business of the typical entrepreneur abroad. More than once I have been in the middle of a complex negotiation, about to reach a break through, only to have the police arrive and ruin hours of hard work with their sirens and gunshots and bullhorn-amplified demands that I release hostages.

Challenge Number Three: Geography. Puerto Rico is an island, limiting escape routes. No matter which way you run, or how man cars you commandeer, you will eventually reach the ocean. And that means a lot of swimming. On a map, it might seem like Puerto Rico is right next to the Dominican Republic, but maps, like informants, lie. The Dominican Republic is dozens of miles away, too far for even the strongest swimmer, even when he is not burdened by bags of gold and small, attractive hostages.

These challenges nay seem insurmountable, but I assure you that with the proper planning and execution, they can be overcome. The rewards are worth it. Now put on this ski mask and get out of the van. The guard just fell asleep.

Q: Can you use a street car on your train set?

A: Sure. Why not?

It's your train set to do with as you wish. You can use a street car or a trolley or a subway or any other train like thing that runs on tracks. Hell, you could even use a goddamn Transformer. It's not like your train set has any artistic unity.

It it were my train set, I'd have a different answer. That answer would be "No." An incredulous, wide-eyed "No" followed by a clap of the hands and a deep disappointed sigh. I'd probably shake my head slowly while looking down at the floor to highlight my disappointment. There's a chance I might cry.

But it's not my train set anymore, is it? No, you had to make sure of that. You had to do whatever you could to take my train set from me. Eating. Sleeping. Soiling. Growing. Always growing. It seems like your whole life has been dedicated to forcing me to spend money on you. To spend money I had to earn money. To earn money I had to get a job. A job that kept me away from my train set.

When your mother got pregnant I knew that there would be sacrifices, that someday I would have to give up my toys and be a man. But I thought I'd have more time. At least more than 16 years.

Congratulations, son. You win. The train set is all yours. Forever. Fill it up with streetcars. Cover it with oatmeal. Do whatever the hell you want.

Just do me one favor. In court tomorrow, when you're called as a character witness, remember all the nice things I did for you. Like the time I gave you my train set. Or that time when I reminded you about giving you the train set. Or the time I let you come up with my alibi. Actually, don't mention that last one. If you do, re-word it so I sound more like a great Dad and less like a premeditated arsonist.

Q: How do you track aliens?

A: Stay silent. Stick to the shadows.

Step lightly. Training in Ninjutsu helps. If you cannot afford a trip to Japan to study under one of the great masters, at least wear all black. And buy some throwing stars. The metal ones they sell down in Chinatown, not the cheap plastic kind.

Learn their methods, their routines. They come out at night, and surround themselves with packs of beasts and warriors and occasionally princesses.

Lure them into the darkness with some Earth candy. They are partial to Reese's Pieces and Peanut Butter Cups and Snickers. Don't waste  your time with apples or popcorn balls. That will only anger them.

Once you have them alone, it's time to pounce.

A-HA!

Now that we have slain the dread alien, let us remove his hood and see his horrible face. But don't look directly, for your eyes might ...

Huh.

That doesn't look like an alien at all. That looks like a small human boy. Another small human boy. I could have sworn it was an alien.

Damn. This happens every October.

Q: What are two techniques paleontologists use to determine the ago of fossils?

A: 1) Radiocarbon dating. Using  a series of complex measurements and equations, we calculate the amount of Carbon-14 in a given fossil to determine its age.

2.) Floyd's Theory of Fossil Decomposition. Using a ten sided die, we choose a number from one to ten, throw a bunch of zeroes after it and call it a day. Named after Floyd, the security guard who invented the process the night he wanted us to leave early. Apparently he had Lakers tickets.

We use the first method if our boss is watching, or if we're dating the fossils of one of the more popular dinosaurs, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The second method comes in handy on Fridays or  when someone discovers a pile of Apatosaurs.