Q: Can you use a street car on your train set?

A: Sure. Why not?

It's your train set to do with as you wish. You can use a street car or a trolley or a subway or any other train like thing that runs on tracks. Hell, you could even use a goddamn Transformer. It's not like your train set has any artistic unity.

It it were my train set, I'd have a different answer. That answer would be "No." An incredulous, wide-eyed "No" followed by a clap of the hands and a deep disappointed sigh. I'd probably shake my head slowly while looking down at the floor to highlight my disappointment. There's a chance I might cry.

But it's not my train set anymore, is it? No, you had to make sure of that. You had to do whatever you could to take my train set from me. Eating. Sleeping. Soiling. Growing. Always growing. It seems like your whole life has been dedicated to forcing me to spend money on you. To spend money I had to earn money. To earn money I had to get a job. A job that kept me away from my train set.

When your mother got pregnant I knew that there would be sacrifices, that someday I would have to give up my toys and be a man. But I thought I'd have more time. At least more than 16 years.

Congratulations, son. You win. The train set is all yours. Forever. Fill it up with streetcars. Cover it with oatmeal. Do whatever the hell you want.

Just do me one favor. In court tomorrow, when you're called as a character witness, remember all the nice things I did for you. Like the time I gave you my train set. Or that time when I reminded you about giving you the train set. Or the time I let you come up with my alibi. Actually, don't mention that last one. If you do, re-word it so I sound more like a great Dad and less like a premeditated arsonist.

Q: How do you track aliens?

A: Stay silent. Stick to the shadows.

Step lightly. Training in Ninjutsu helps. If you cannot afford a trip to Japan to study under one of the great masters, at least wear all black. And buy some throwing stars. The metal ones they sell down in Chinatown, not the cheap plastic kind.

Learn their methods, their routines. They come out at night, and surround themselves with packs of beasts and warriors and occasionally princesses.

Lure them into the darkness with some Earth candy. They are partial to Reese's Pieces and Peanut Butter Cups and Snickers. Don't waste  your time with apples or popcorn balls. That will only anger them.

Once you have them alone, it's time to pounce.

A-HA!

Now that we have slain the dread alien, let us remove his hood and see his horrible face. But don't look directly, for your eyes might ...

Huh.

That doesn't look like an alien at all. That looks like a small human boy. Another small human boy. I could have sworn it was an alien.

Damn. This happens every October.

Q: What are two techniques paleontologists use to determine the ago of fossils?

A: 1) Radiocarbon dating. Using  a series of complex measurements and equations, we calculate the amount of Carbon-14 in a given fossil to determine its age.

2.) Floyd's Theory of Fossil Decomposition. Using a ten sided die, we choose a number from one to ten, throw a bunch of zeroes after it and call it a day. Named after Floyd, the security guard who invented the process the night he wanted us to leave early. Apparently he had Lakers tickets.

We use the first method if our boss is watching, or if we're dating the fossils of one of the more popular dinosaurs, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The second method comes in handy on Fridays or  when someone discovers a pile of Apatosaurs.

Q: What is the percentage of 4 out of 6?

A: Sixty-six point six percent. With the six repeating obviously.

If you played baseball and hit the ball four times out of six, you'd be the Best Ballplayer Ever, better than Ruth and Cobb and Williams combined.

If you played basketball and made four out of every six shots, you'd be an Excellent Ballplayer, one of the best ever. A guaranteed Hall of Famer.

If you played quarterback in the NFL and completed four out of every six shots, you would be a Great Ballplayer with a long career and many trips to the Pro Bowl.

4 out of 6 for most any athlete translates to a long, successful career.

But you are not an athlete. You are an obstetrician. Delivering four out of six babies without dropping them makes you a Terrible Baby Doctor.

Q: What is the coldest city and temperature currently in the us?

A: It has to be where I am right now, on the balcony of my suite at the Radisson Hotel  in Nashville. I've only been out here a couple minutes and I am already freezing. I have never been this cold. I cannot stop shivering. I can't feel my feet. Or my legs. Or my hands really. Much of the below neck portion of my body is pretty numb.

This sudden cold front is rather strange. A few minutes ago it was sweltering. Sticky sweaty hot. So hot I was naked. With a woman. In the bed of my suite at the Radisson Hotel in Nashville. We had the air conditioning set to 65 but we were still sweating. And panting. Occasionally moaning. It was pretty damn hot.

Then some guy walks in the room yelling some stuff about being her husband and watching us all day and having enough evidence to win a fortune in the divorce. I couldn't make out most of what he was saying. We had the TV up real loud. And the woman was laughing pretty hard. Something about her pre-nup. The husband's face went red. He was hot, too. Everyone was hot. It was like an oven in there. Why is it so cold now?

I know I heard something popping. Five or six loud pops, like firecrackers. Then I got even hotter. Warm burning down in my stomach. Someone must have pushed me because I fell through the sliding glass door. I had no idea it was so cold out here. I wish I had grabbed my robe.

I hope I don't freeze to death out here. I've really never been this cold. I'm sure the nice lady in there will bring me out some blankets. Just as soon as she gets through making up with her husband. They're such a lovely couple. I'm glad to see them work things out.