Q: What is the coldest city and temperature currently in the us?

A: It has to be where I am right now, on the balcony of my suite at the Radisson Hotel  in Nashville. I've only been out here a couple minutes and I am already freezing. I have never been this cold. I cannot stop shivering. I can't feel my feet. Or my legs. Or my hands really. Much of the below neck portion of my body is pretty numb.

This sudden cold front is rather strange. A few minutes ago it was sweltering. Sticky sweaty hot. So hot I was naked. With a woman. In the bed of my suite at the Radisson Hotel in Nashville. We had the air conditioning set to 65 but we were still sweating. And panting. Occasionally moaning. It was pretty damn hot.

Then some guy walks in the room yelling some stuff about being her husband and watching us all day and having enough evidence to win a fortune in the divorce. I couldn't make out most of what he was saying. We had the TV up real loud. And the woman was laughing pretty hard. Something about her pre-nup. The husband's face went red. He was hot, too. Everyone was hot. It was like an oven in there. Why is it so cold now?

I know I heard something popping. Five or six loud pops, like firecrackers. Then I got even hotter. Warm burning down in my stomach. Someone must have pushed me because I fell through the sliding glass door. I had no idea it was so cold out here. I wish I had grabbed my robe.

I hope I don't freeze to death out here. I've really never been this cold. I'm sure the nice lady in there will bring me out some blankets. Just as soon as she gets through making up with her husband. They're such a lovely couple. I'm glad to see them work things out.

Q: Why is not day all over the world at the same time?

A: You have angered the Sun Gods. They will not shine on you again unless you follow their rules.

First, you must forfeit all your material possessions. You don't have to go all crazy with it and give everything to charity or set it all on fire. Packing everything into small, light boxes and leaving  them at your neighbor's door will suffice. Your neighbor North of you, not the other guy. Giving anything to your neighbor to the South will only anger the Sun Gods more.

Second, you're going to have to show loyalty to the Sun Gods in the form of a sacrifice. Again, there's no reason to overdo this. The Sun Gods don't expect you to sacrifice your children or your wife or anything. A few cows will do, as long as they are well butchered, free of fat and grilled to a temperature of 125 degrees.  Once you've sacrificed the tender filets, leave them on a table in your backyard. The Sun Gods will help themselves.

Third, no matter what you hear coming from the backyard, you must never leave your house. The Sun Gods are shy and vengeful. They quickly anger at the sight of man. The sight of women is a different story. Feel free to send out your wife and attractive adult daughters and their friends. But be warned, the Sun Gods hate the sound of human clothing. It would be best for the sake of humanity that the women arrive naked. And slightly tipsy. Sober, uptight humans ask too many questions of the Sun Gods. Too many questions make the sun explode.

Fourth, you must trust what I have told you. I speak on behalf of the Sun Gods. Few know of their existence. The world is full of cynics and skeptics who will insist that the Sun Gods don't exist. Do not believe these people. They are merely jealous of your relationship with the divine. You will be able to spot them easily. They will approach slowly, with concern in their voice, trying to convince you that my voice is not coming from the Mystic Plains of Light and Thunder but from a speaker embedded in your walls. While the Sun Gods frown on human sacrifice for the purpose of proving loyalty they do condone the murder of heretics. But they will not condone said murder if you own your home. Some of these ancient religions are a little weird like that. Just to be safe, you better sign over the deed to a complete stranger. Someone completely random, like, oh, your neighbor.

North side.

Q: How do kids feel if they can't bring their phone to school?

A: Angry. Really, really angry. Often to the point of violence. If not that, at least yelling. Load, constant yelling that goes on for hours.

Kids rely on their phones. For today's youth a phone is more than a status symbol. It's a best friend. A buddy. Someone to cheer you up when you're feeling maudlin. Someone to remind you that you are not alone, by showing you naked pictures of internet celebrities. Someone to use as collateral to prevent a beating in the locker room. Those kids, the ones who make friends with the phone, those kids yell.

The kids who get angry are the kids who see their friend as more than a friend. They see their phone as an employee. They don't want their phone. They need it. Drugs may sell themselves, but not if potential buyers can't reach you.

There are a lot of opportunities to sell drugs for the modern high school student. Because teachers are sad. And they do a whole lot of self-medicating.

Q: What films have money in the title?

A: For recent films, there's One For the Money, starring America's Sweetheart and famed appreciative collaborator Katherine Heigl. She's the girl from Knocked Up. No, not the one married to Jud Apatow, the other one. Yes, she's still starring in movies. I have no idea why either.

Of course, there's Moneyball, the story of how math turned the Oakland A's into a team that doesn't make the playoffs into a team that makes the playoffs once or twice, only to lose.  And Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps, the long awaited sequel to 1987's Oscar winning Wall Street, starring Michael Douglas and Shia LaBeuf, who is contractually obligated to appear in every sequel under the mistaken assumption that people want to see him do things other than get punched in the face or shoved into a tire and rolled down a hill into a pit of asps.

If those three films don't satisfy your "films with money in the title" craving, take a trip to the video store and rent Money Train, Money Talks and Two For the Money. After that triple feature, you'll never want to see another movie with money in the title again. Or any movie. Or people. You'll probably want to turn off the lights, crawl into your closet and have a nice long cry while your consider that the people responsible for those movies continue to get paid to act in and make movies despite the clear and overwhelming evidence that acting in and making movies are things they are bad at.

Or you could save yourself some time and some damage to your soul and watch my movie, Please Give Me Money. I made it specifically for my parents, but anyone can enjoy it.

My parents cut me off after grad school. They said that after 14 years of college, it was time for me to make my own way in the world. They said the same thing after I got my PhD in Philosophy six years ago, but when I didn't get a job with one of those big philosophy firms, they kept supporting me. I assumed they'd do the same this time. But they seem to be keeping their word.

My movie's pretty good. Here, let me show you some of it.

Here I am starving. There's me panhandling on the bus. My mother will be horrified. When I was eight she made me promise never to ride the bus. I've got some great footage of me rooting around a dumpster for food, too. And then there's the climax: Scenes of me calling all my Dad's old mistresses and telling them that my Mom is really sick and my Dad is all lonely and in need of affection. They should drop by any time.

This might turn out to be the biggest movie ever made.

Q: What are some factors that endanger the future of the Chesapeake Bay?

A: For starters, commercial expansion. This area used to be pristine. Clear water. Nice beaches. Air that filled the lungs, made you feel capable of anything.  Then the office buildings moved in. Everyone wanted a bay view to impress the clients. Everyone needed places to park and places to eat. Soon the whole Bay became one slab of concrete, broken up by the occasional golden arch.

With the expansion came the pollution. Cars dripping oil. No-bid sewers mucking up the water. Restaurants burying their rotten bacon in the sand.

Honestly, even with the expansion and the pollution, it wasn't that bad. You could still get out on the water for some parasailing or jet skiing. Still some spots on the beach where you could set up a towel to tan or read a book or woo a potential lover, as long as you avoided the bacon graves. Simple tip: look for the assembled carrion and move away.  We still had a nice, quiet beach community.

Then the Civil War  reenactors came and it all went to hell. Someone decided that Chesapeake Bay would be the perfect place to reenact great naval battles of the War Between the States. I was unaware that the Civil War had naval battles, but I'm not exactly a huge Civil War buff. Had no idea they had submarines, either, but apparently they did. I doubt the actual submarines were tinfoil-wrapped canoes weighed down with cinder blocks, but that's all the reenactors could afford. Probably should have sprung for a real submarine. Or at least some scuba gear. I thought the beach full of rotten bacon smelled bad. That was nothing compared to a bay full of floating bloated fake Confederate corpses.

The Bay's seen better times, but we're a strong community and we could have pulled together, fished out the corpses, poured quicklime on the beach, driven off the office drones with calculated violence, burned everything to the ground and started over. We would have done it, too, if that that damn Cowboy Godzilla showed up. Now, we don't officially know if that's his name, or if he's a Godzilla, or even if he's a cowboy - there are no giant horses in sight - but he's big, green, scaly, he breathes fire, he rose right up out of the ocean, and he's wearing a giant steel cowboy hat. The name seemed to fir.

I've been living on the Bay for 56 years and I've never seen anything endanger it's future like that Cowboy Godzilla. On the bright side, the bodies of the drowned reenactors have formed a dam that have slowed him down and kept him from reaching the shore. Hopefully, it holds up until Tourist Season. I had a bunch of Cowboy Godzilla Spring Break t-shirts made that I'm going to sell over at the hot dog stand. They have a drawing of Cowboy Godzilla lighting a bong with his fire breath on the back. I think they'll be pretty popular with the college kids, and even more popular with the people who want to be popular with the college kids. Which is everyone.